Diary of a Kook

Video - New York 2011

2011-06-26T21:17:00.003Z

New York - Part Two

2011-06-23T15:27:00.004Z

SATURDAY
So. My phone is lost. I completely turned my hotel upside down to see if it was in the room somewhere. But no win. I'm VERY annoyed at myself. Nothing that a drink won't fix though :)

A short stiff drink to keep the hangover at bay and I soon head out for lunch with Parg & Co but with no phone I wasn't able to locate them when i got to the restaurant. I walked up and down several times. So I sat down and had a drink at the bar while going through my (now vital) printed out maps and planned the rest of my holiday hoping Parg & Co turned up soon.

The barman is from Leeds so he helped pass the time. Nearly an hour goes by and i decide to give up. I pay the bill and out of nowhere Parg pops up behind me saying they'd been at the back of the restaurant all along WTF. Don't know how i missed them.

After a lovely cheese toasted sandwich and a cocktail I headed off to try and find the World Naked Bike Ride event being held in major cities around the world simultaneously. I had been to the London one a few years earlier and it was a great laugh (see blog post from 2009). Unfortunately i never found this event and blindly walked around for ages stopping off for drinks occasionally. I later found out when I was back in London that it was cancelled due to rain being forecast.

I took the subway down to Wall St to have a browse around there. Their subway system is not too different to ours. But the trains are bigger and air conditioned. Less frequent though, and not as comfortable inside with hard plastic seats. Only a few stations have a board up with the train arrival times which was frustrating, but they were reasonably frequent, no more than 10 mins waiting. I’d been on the subway on Friday rush hour too, and it was nowhere near as packed as it gets in London. Instead of names for their lines, they are labelled a number or letter. A very simple subway system to understand.

Interestingly, their turnstiles (ticket barriers) go both ways at all times. You can imagine that would be a problem during rush hour with two people both going at the same turnstile.

Saturday night i met up with Parg & Co again in a little bar called The Magician where we noticed Mike Myers! Aka Austin Powers. Im a huge fan so i stared at him and his table a bit. We left soon after and i waved at him as we went past, getting a wave back.

SUNDAY

By now i was feeling absolutely fucked. Three nights of heavy ish drinking, along with light day time drinking to ward off each daily hangover had now caught up. Hands shaking. Dodgy stomach. I was actually limping too cos of all the walking (probably about 5 miles of walking per day). I couldn’t even eat cos of the nausea. I was quite the state! But the show had to go on and me and Parg headed up to the Bronx for the zoo there. I was so tempted to have more drink to sort me out but i had to stop at some point or i might have spontaneously combusted.

The zoo wasn’t as good as i expected. You had to really wait around for the good animals as they were quite in the distance or hidden in their caves or something.

Zeeeebra

Anaconda

After the zoo we headed to Times Square which is pretty much Picadilly Circus + Leicester Square multiplied by 10. Not suitable for epileptics.

Got back to the hotel early evening and just lay in bed, falling in and out of sleep all night with the TV on letting the body recover from 4 days of physical and mental punishment.

MONDAY

Fresh and rehabilitated, I was resurrected like Christ himself for the final day. Started off with the Guggenheim Musuem which was thoroughly disappointing as nearly all of it was shut. No idea why. Stunning building though.

One room was cool though, the wallpaper was made up of wads of 1 dollar bills. Each wad must have been about 20 dollars. I couldn’t even guess how much money the whole room contained. (Cameras weren’t allowed so i got this image from Google).

A quick google search tells me $100’000 !!! Holy moly!! It says some dude one an art prize for something, along with that $100k. He decided to create his next piece using that money. Im not that arty myself but it was quite amazing to see that room. Wouldn't you love to set that room on fire?

I then headed off to Central Park along the huge lake. Full of joggers! Not a fatty in sight. It’s a beautiful park. Absolutely amazing amongst such a busy city. Its wonderful how they’ve preserved this huge park in such a busy city. I was very impressed with the amount of open and green spaces within Manhattan, whether its just small (yet beautiful) parks, dog parks, or kids parks with swings etc. London is embarrassing in comparison. London is the true concrete jungle. And not in a good way.

The Speedboat tour was next. I was really looking forward to this and it completely excelled my expectations. Absolutely thrilling! It went up to 45mph at times, throwing you left and right and up and down giving you that butterflies in your stomach feeling. Water occasionally splashed from the sides on to everyone.

One of my favourite photos from the speedboat:

The Beast speed boat tour by neopeogreo

I had 2 more hours left before i had to be at the hotel to be picked up by a shared taxi to head back to London. I walked around closer to the Intrepid Air and Space Museum, which is pretty much just a giant aircraft carrier with a Concorde as one of its exhibits. Didn’t go in though cos of queues.

Saw this lovely fountain there, quite similar to the one outside the O2 in Greenwich. It danced around inviting kids to jump in and run after it. It gave me a chance to play around with the camera settings before deciding to stop as there were too many semi-clad kids in the fountain and i probably started looking like a paedo.

Back to the hotel i went. I love this thing under the bed:

Lol?

The taxi driver was a cunt. Moody. Easily irritated. Drove like a maniac too. He'd cut people up and then smile. He'd barely respond if you asked him something and tut at times. Big black fella though so you certainly didn't wanna mess with him. At the end, he got our luggage out of the back for us, and he's like "Where's my tip??" to all of us. HAHA. I'd heard about people like this how they demand a tip. I gave him $3 to the bastard, which was about 12% (15-20% is usually the accepted rate), to avoid getting my suitcase thrown on to the main road. Not sure what the other's gave.

I was aching all over by the time i got to the airport. And there was 3 hours left til take off. Nowhere to even sit!! Had a bit of food to kill some time, then noticed a Spa place and got myself the most orgasmic 30 min foot and leg massage. They lay you down on this amazing massage chair which does your whole back and neck area, whilst some chinese woman did my legs/feet. My feet sooooooo needed that. I came out completely revitalised.

When i got home, i remember i had all these google location services activated during my trip so i checked out my history and was amazed how much it had logged my location:

From that i was able to deduce i had left my phone in the taxi when it dropped me off to the karaoke bar on Friday evening as the trail showed me getting to the area where the bar was, then going back down south.

I got the shock of my life on the last day at the hotel. The bill. Which had the cost of the phone calls i had made to my mobile (where it went to voicemail). $15 per call WTF. That's around £9. I had made around 10 calls in total over 3 days hoping someone would turn it on and i could contact them.

Ah well. NYC done.

New York - Part One

2011-06-19T22:00:00.010Z

THURSDAY

MY FIRST EVER SOLO HOLIDAY! And, apart from India (which kind of doesn’t count), only my 3rd ever holiday. Shocking much? I expected to learn a lot, and, from a person who has previously lost his whole families passports a month before a holiday or who has previously dropped his spectacles in the toilet, I expected a fuck up or two.

I had a 10.30am flight so i planned to wake at 4am, leave by 6am, get to Heathrow at 8am, drop baggage off, then meet a friend at Heathrow who works there (hello Arvind!).

It wasn't the best of starts. I ended up sleeping at 2am as i was doing last minute minor planning like printing out maps and addresses and so on. You will later see why these were a life-saver.

My momma woke me up in a panic “Are you late? ARE YOU LATE!?” (in Gujarati). I looked at the clock and it was nearly 5am. My phone alarm hadn’t gone off for some reason. I fucked that up.

It was okay though. I still had plenty of time. Just not enough to double check i hadn’t fucked anything else up before leaving. Apart from my passport. I triple-checked i had that. I left a little after 6am, and arrived at the airport 8.15am. Called my friend and he said to drop baggage and then call him back after i’m more in to the airport.

I dropped baggage off, carried on in to the airport, went through security in to duty-free and then called him back.

Him: “You've gone in too far! I can’t get through to that area!”.

Whoops. I fucked up. Oh well, I had a browse around duty free. Needed a wallet actually as mine was an embarrassment. Saw a few nice ones but didn't quite have the gazillion pounds required. Off to the plane i went.

I had checked-in online the previous day but all the window seats were taken. Booo. So i just chose a seat near the front close to the aisle and in view of the toilets so there’s easy access. The front row itself was already taken. I realised why when i went to sit down. FULL OF PARENTS WITH MULTIPLE BABIES.

WAAAAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA all through the bloody flight!!

I fucked up!

I also developed a nasty headache soon after taking off, which is probably due to the changing pressure. It’s happened before. But I had enough pain killers in my hand luggage that i was surprised security didnt question me. Along with caffiene tablets and piriton.

The in-flight entertainment on Virgin was fantastic. So many choices of the latest films and shows. I watched some Family Guy, Friends, and Peep Show in between trying to sleep. The noise cancelling headphones did a fantastic job of drowning out the waa waa’s. But then you couldnt hear the air hostesses as they walked through offering something every fucking half hour.

"No i don’t want tea!"
"No i don’t want coffee!"
"No i don’t want a bag of nuts!"
"No i … oooh wait, mini-pretzels? Actually i’ll try those."

I was a bit peckish and have no snacks on me. I’d never had pretzels so i was hoping i’d liked them but i didn’t. They were quite dry and it was like chewing rope. But i finished them anyway as i was hungry.

On go the headphones, off they go again until... “special meal for you sir?”

I had chosen the vegetarian indian meal. Was very curious what it was gonna be like. Rice and paneer!! And it was actually quite nice!!

Flight took 7 hours and arrived JFK around 1pm local time, with the pilot informing us that its 36 fucking degrees! (100F) It wasn’t so bad in the airport as it somewhat AC’ed.

I was looking forward to meeting the first Americans but what i got was moody airport workers. They took finger and hand prints and barely looked me in the eye. I felt like cattle. I then waited for my pre-arranged shared taxi-van type thing. The driver was way cool! Very charming and chatty with everyone. Some of the passengers (all brits) weren’t very nice though. Some were demanding they be dropped off first as there around 6 drops to make across Manhattan. I was last but happily so as i got to see a lot of sights along the way. The heat was something else though! It wasn’t even sunny but just SOO humid.

Had a nap and shower at the hotel before tarting up and heading out for my first evening meeting a friend of a friend named Christina. Started off at a posh Italian place called Eataly. Quite a cool feature about it was that it was one large open area and had several places to eat inside featuring the full features and varieties of italian food. Featuring things like pizza, different cheeses, pasta places, meat places. Lots of features in this feature packed feature. It was quite a sight seeing a line of fresh meat hung up in one area of the place and a billion types of cheese in another area. A place featuring wines and places offering pizzas and pastas (and other features).

It was way out of my depth though so i had to follow the lead of poor Christina who had to teach me the very basics like a 1 year old child learning to eat by himself. I warned her very early on that i am one of the most uncultured persons EVER. Bless her though, she was patient and not once did she tell me to fuck off.

She chose the wine and something called Bruschetta which came with wafer thin ham and some kind of soft cheese. Wasn’t quite sure how to eat it so i waited for her to take the first bit and then I imitated. She could have been rather mischievous here and told me im supposed to stick the ham up my nose, the cheese in my ears and the bread up my arse and I would have believed her.

Then we went to some sports bar where a few of her friends were as some major baseball game was on. I was quite eager to check out the atmosphere and it was as expected. Big sweaty loud men. Ordinarily i’d avoid a place like that in the UK, but it was cool to see it there. Loud brash new yorkers, sticking their fingers out towards the bar area with cash in their hands demanding drinks. Just like in the movies.

The barman was incredible. The sheer speed he was making drinks was amazing! He’d be facing forward and his hands would be flying all over the place, left, right, back behind him, to the side again, to the other side, grabbing the required bottles needed to make the required drink. All free-poured. None of this silver measuring cups bollocks you get in the UK. Just BANG BANG DONE.

You ask for a vodka and lemonade and his hands shoot out to the left to grab a vodka bottle without him even looking that way. His other arm shoots the other way to grab a glass. Vodka gets poured and his other arm grabs ice. Lemonade poured at the end. He does all this without even looking at what he was doing! All the while, his feet were placing a ship in a bottle.

It was an early night for them as they had work the next day. I decided to walk home using my GPS to guide me as i was dying to see the streets seeing as it was only around midnight. Boy did i regret that the next day as my legs and feet were aching and i had so much walking planned. I checked the maps and it was around 5 bloody miles* i had walked.

*Exaggeration. It was about 3 miles.

FRIDAY
I had arranged a 10am breakfast with my UK friend who is out there (hello Parg!) before she headed off to work. I hadn’t yet used the subway system so i got a taxi. The hotel has a doorman who is dedicated to ushering taxi’s. Spends his whole day near the kerb even when its raining just ushering taxis for hotel guests. The guy worked very hard. I feel bad i never got the chance to tip him. Check out the cool GPS systems every taxi has.

Stopped off at Union Park where i took a few photos of pigeons and squirrels. I bloody love pigeons.

Sandwich with Parg then on to my first official tourist activity. The Empire State Building. Along the way, the hangover and heat starts to hit me so i stop off at a little bar/restaurant at 10.30am that wasn’t actually opening for another hour but they were happy to serve me. They probably sensed my suffering. Such a nice cider. Weird orange colour though. And a strange teacup type thing. Proper sorted me out!

The queues at the Empire state building were stupid! First thing was a lift up to nearly the top floor, my ears popped on the way. I got in to a room full of a winding queue, get to the end and in to another room and it’s the same bloody thing again. It repeated like that a few times along with a security section and a paying counter. All in all about an hour and a half of queues. Wouldn’t have been so bad if they served booze along the way.

The views were surreal though. I couldn’t quite accept the fact that i was 1’000 feet (300metres) in the air.

Me being me, i was reading about the suicides that have occured there. Only 30 since it was built 80 years ago. You’ll soon see why from the pics. The fence is massive and turns inwards. One suicide attempt was rather amusing...

On December 2, 1979, Elvita Adams jumped from the 86th floor, only to be blown back onto the 85th floor and left with a broken hip

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empire_State_Building#Suicides

The most annoying thing was having to queue to get back fucking down again. Wasn’t as bad but still took around half an hour to get outside. Out i went then on to the next activity, the 20min helicopter tour! (Coming up in the next blog post).

This did not let down! Amazing ride all over manhattan and i got placed in the front seat luckily. I wanted to stay up there forever.

Helicopter Tour by neopeogreo

After that i headed to South Street Sea Port where i had the Clipper Tall Ship Tour planned. Had a bit of time so i decided to stop off for some food where they served me an amazing cheese toasted sandwich and the strongest motherfucking Long Island Iced Tea i ever had, and ever will have. It was absolutely horrid. I had requested no ice cos i wanted it a little stronger but boy did i regret that. One sip and i could have heaved. You can tell from the colour how little coke it had in it, It must have been like 20% Coke.

Two sips later (as you can see from the pic, how little i had drank at this point) and i was buzzing. There was no way i could finish this drink purely cos of the putrid taste. So i asked for a glass of coke and mixed it together. Off i then went to the ship. (Photo of the ship from the helicopter ride)

This was wonderfully relaxing. The slow sail around the waters in the sunshine and the wind. The drivers invited volunteers to help pull up the sails. I had no intention of doing that. So i filmed it instead. I got chatting to the drivers (sailors?) in a drunken manner asking them stupid questions like “Have you seen Pirates of the Caribbean? You remind me of the guys from there!”. Blank stares i got back from one of them who looked a lot like Eidur Gudjohnsen. Moody bastards. He said he’d never seen the movie.

As we approached the Statue of Liberty, i bothered the other sailor and asked him what the statue meant to him just to start off a converstation. “What kinda question is that?” he said. I explained i was genuinely interested in whether its something that he had high regard for or whether he had gotten so used to it over the years he barely noticed it. He mumbled on about the history of it and how the French..... I wasn’t listening and soon made my way to the bar area to get another drink. The barlady was far more sociable. Probably cos she was drunk. She needed to be in order to cope with the other miserable sods she worked with.

After that was over i walked about a mile the long way back to the hotel, stopping off at a dog park. So many cute little dogs running around!! The owners were very sociable too.

Later on i headed off to meet Parg & Co at a karaoke bar, met her lovely buddies, sang Wonderwall with Parg, later on heading off to some shitty club type thing. Again, for some reason i decided to attempt walking home (it’s a drunken thing) but hailed a taxi about halfway home. At some point during this evening i fucked up. Big. Cos the next morning my phone was nowhere to be found. Arrrghhhhhh. It was insured though. I rang it a few times per day but it was going straight to voicemail. I had all my maps on that phone. It was what i had used so far to get around. The print-outs were a godsend!

Next blog post coming later this week.

Coco Jambo

2011-05-19T15:22:00.000Z

Most of you should remember this song. I was looking online for an unlikely meaning behind the lyrics and came across a random comment from someone who made up his own meaning:

Lets have some fun with this.. Coco Jambo is a hot hot HOT smooth talking, man with some killer dance moves; he's a ladies man and nothing less. The worst part is that he's hot and he knows it.. BIG ego.. obvously!

Ya ya ya coco jamboo
Ya ya yeah
Ya ya ya coco jamboo
Ya ya yeah
Sing it everybody

Regardless of his ego.. what can I say.. ladies love him! They all fall into this purely euphoric state every time CoCo Jambo even looks their way, and he's so amazing that once you dance with him, he's got you hooked in the worst way. Your emotions run wild as you feel as though your are taken out of this world into a fantasy-like dream. When you come back down from a high like this there is no better feeling. PURE infatuation at its finest

Put me up, put me down
Put my feet back on the ground
Put me up, take my heart and me happy

In an attempt to seduce CoCo Jambo in return, the ladies play into their sexiest personas and stroke his ego by whispering his name as they come close together. He responds by pulling them even tighter and making them feel like they are goddesses.. they scream and shout with excitement and joy and he twirls them around. Now, for the story line's sake, if you call a man Columbo, it's like the biggest ego stroke a man can get. Co Co Jambo craves this type of attention; in fact, it is Co Co Jambo's mission in life as far as his status and ego is concerned to make every lady think of him as the sexiest man alive.

As we get close
You whisper "coco"
I hold you in my arms and you say "jamboo"
Scream and shout, turn and say "columbo"
Now I gotta go so coco

Leaving so soon though Co Co?? OF COURSE! He's a ladies man! It's on to the next woman once he gets what he wants and has his way with them. The ladies are nothing but a delicious "treat" to him that he can have when he wants.. satisfying and gone when he's finished.. she starts whispering his name with desire and instantly satisfies him..

When I hold my baby tighter she says i do it nicer
i like my chicken with rice and lemonada
and That's what you get when she shouts out jamboo
Now I gotta go so coco

Oh and you betcha he's conceited.. basically he's thinking to himself in third person: Alright.. now that she's absolutely into me and I got what I want, it's time to go to the next one.. so Co Co, lets go!

But do the ladies care?? HELL NO! He's Co Co Jambo! And they join in singing..

Ya ya ya coco jamboo

Ya ya yeah
Ya ya ya coco jamboo
Ya ya yeah

Source: http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3458764513820550719/

My Dad the Super Hoarder

2011-04-26T14:28:00.002Z

Hello?

My dad is a super hoarder and collects all sorts of junk he just finds lying around on the streets. Even peoples skips. He shoves it all in the garden. He's become far worse since retiring a few years ago.

We decided to have a massive clear out of all his junk. We couldn't believe some of the items. A bunch of TO LET signs (for houses). WTF. Not a single sign, but a COLLECTION??

We also found a GATE he had probably taken from a skip.

We found taps too. I remember one night he was coming home from the pub around midnight. he was dropped off by a friend outside our house. Instead of walking in to the house, he just walked down the road.

He then arrived a few mins later with a huge tap in his hand a bit like this one

When we had our kitchen re-done last year, he didn't want to throw the 30 year old cooker away. He placed it in the garden.

He also put the 30 year old worktop in the garden and used it as a random shelf against the shed. All it did was gather leaves adn spiders and snails.

He's put up random wooden poles along the left and right of our garden and connected string between them so we can use them as extra clothes lines

We gathered all the junk and put it in the middle of our small garden, ready to dump in to a skip once it arrives:

Click to enlarge

Flip-flop burger

2011-04-21T12:42:00.000Z

Today morning i left my hotel room and got to the entrance to head to work...

...before realising i was in my fucking flip flops. Not only that, but in socks/flip-flop combo.

Also, yesterday evening i went to a chippy for dinner.

"can i have a chicken burger and chips please"
"chicken burger, is that just on its own?"
"ummm. yep" (wasn't sure what she meant)

i get home. she had given me just a fucking piece of chicken and no bap or nothing. JUST A FLAT PIECE OF CHICKEN.

WTF

My Twenty Seconds of Fame

2010-11-22T23:31:00.000Z

I'm watching Football Focus on Saturday morning (a popular national show about football on terrestrial tv). I notice the two guests are Mark Lawrenson and Martin Keown (Arsenal legend!!) sporting a new shaved head look. So I randomly post the following tweet along with a picture.

About 10 mins later, this happens...

Dan: Talking about haircuts, we've had this tweet in from neo peo. You'll like this Martin. *reads tweet*

Martin: Well that's very kind of him! :-)

Mark: Scuse me scuse me. Oozit from??

Dan: neo peo

Mark: NEO.... PEO.... wossalldattaabouutt??? :-|

Martin: He sounds a bit wrong doesn't he! :-D

Mark: The world's gone mad.

Dan: Lawro's not really up with twitter.

Mark: No. :-|

Jury Service - Part Three

2010-11-21T23:18:00.001Z

Third and final post. Let's start with more about how crappy this place is. I went to the canteen to get a coffee. The machine does it automatically. Coffee. White. You then add in sugar and extra milk if you like.

Three sugars in mine. I take the lid off the milk container to add a little more. A fucking fly flies out. Yeah I'll pass on the milk thanks.

And on Friday i believe it was, when it was raining quite heavily outside, the roof starts leaking in the jury waiting room in a few places. One of the jurors put a bin underneath it haha. What a shock the cleaner is gonna get when she (or he) empties it.

Over the next few days, all three defendants, a senior member of WH security team, as well as 2 policemen involved in the police raid on the flat, took to the stand giving their account of what happened.

A true account of the events was slowly becoming clear to me. Tania had gotten hold of these QuickCash vouchers. How she obtained them, the prosecution wasn't sure. But she had access to the branch keys whilst working there, and possibly had knowledge of the alarm codes. It was suggested she had aided the burglars in their robbery.

But she had a problem. These QuickCash vouchers had to be applied to an online WH account then withdrawn in-store using photographic ID. She contacted Jessica and told her she had won some money gambling online. She told her she was unable to withdraw it as current or ex WH employees are not allowed accounts. She asked her to help her out by making an account under her name (Jessica's) and withdraw the money for her. Tania created the account herself asking Jessica for her details and then asked her to go withdraw it for her.

She did the same with Evelyn. And crucially, Jessica and Evelyn didn't know each other and yet their police interviews matched. There was also a number of circumstantial pieces of evidence that together made the ultimate difference.

As the case was coming to a conclusion, I had a little glance towards the dock and noticed Jessica was rocking to and fro, from stress or anxiety I imagine. She was the youngest of the lot at 20, student and a part-time singer. She had the most to lose from all the defendants.

A friend of Jessica's took the stand to give a character reference and also to support Jessica's claim that she and her knew Tania. Quite a ballsy young lady this one, pointing straight at Tania confirming she knew her. Very confident. At the end of her statement, one of the lawyers asked her if she has ever been arrested.

Jessica's Friend: "Yeah"
Lawyer: "What for?"
Jessica's Friend: "Umm, assaulting a police offer" she mumbled quietly.

Half the courtroom broke out in muffled laughter.

After about 4 hours of deliberation, which i am definitely not allowed to write about, the verdicts were unanimous.

Tania, guilty.
Jessica and Evelyn, not guilty.

As the verdict for Jessica was read out, she screamed YES in delight. So much joy from her and her family. It was quite a satisfying feeling knowing you cleared two peoples names. No reaction from Tania.

The case finished just before lunch time and we all went out separate ways. After lunch back in the waiting room, we all sat together and one guy comes and tells us in his cockney accent...

"You missed out there guys. Jessica's family celebrating in the pub down the road with champagne and everything. I didn't realise. One minute I'm having a pint and the next everyone's hugging me and giving me drinks. It was quite awkward. I only went there for a quiet pint!!!"

One lady mentions she wants to go. Several times. So at the end of the day, two hours later, we thought we'd pop in. It was the most surreal moment in my life. Jessica and her mother went around hugging every one of us about twice each. Her mother in particular was a picture of relief and mentioned that whilst all three defendants had been sitting in the dock together, Tania was making regular threats towards Jessica.

Ultimately, Jessica and Evelyn were very naive in doing favours for Tania involving such large sums of cash (one withdrawal amounted to £4000) and they've learnt a very harsh lesson. A year and a half of the whole affair hanging over them til they were finally cleared.

What amazes me about the trial was how naked the defendants were to everyone in the court. Including their own family. Every possibly relevant detail was exposed. The defendants bank statements and general financial situation. Home address. Phone number. Relationship history. Sexual orientation. Previous arrests. Involvement with drugs. All these things were no longer private. I can't imagine the can of worms some of these details opened up for the defendants and their families. It probably isn't much of an issue with the cleared defendants with the joy and relief of being cleared overwhelming any other feelings. For Tania, who is likely to get a suspended sentence with an electronic tag, things will not be so well.

There were mentions of intimidation and possibly bullying towards Evelyn whilst they lived together. I don't think she'll feel safe for a long while as it didn't seem like she had the same level of support from friends and family behind her as Jessica did.

Jury Service - Part Two

2010-11-19T23:39:00.001Z

Everyone i talk to about my recent jury service mention they'd love to do it. Let me tell how boring it is though. If you're not called on a case, and there are always a few people unlucky enough, you have to sit there in a silent room all day. No TV. You are sat down for a long time. You can try and strike up conversations with people, but you know what London is like. Many people like to keep themselves to themselves. But i found most are quite nice on jury service as its random members of the population, not the wanker-banker types you see on a tube or train during rush hour.

Even when you do get on a case, you are sat down for 3 hours listening to lawyers giving evidence in a language where many sentences start "Might I suggest..." or "I put it to you...". They speak very slowly too, with a lot of gaps in between their sentences. This is intentional so that the stenographer (the person who types up a script of every word said in court) can keep up, as well as the jurors and judge who may be writing notes.

It's all veerrryyy slow. I have no problem keeping concentration in this type of environment. What i do struggle with is sitting still. As I do at work, long car journeys, or in the cinema, i slipped my shoes off and put my feet up, occasionally sitting cross-legged.

Of the people i spoke to, I noticed that the ones who found it most difficult were the types who had physically active jobs. One was a football coach. Another was a mechanic. They looked reaaalllyy fed up and stressed. As for Mr RightAngle Hunchback, he's retired. He was regularly nodding off. It's easier for the likes of me who work in I.T. and sit down most of the day anyway. I've not had to write so much for years though! My hand-writing is proper fucked now.

Anyway, back to the case. The judge mentions the charge in question with brief details as soon as the full 15 entered the courtroom. The charge is 'Conspiracy to Defraud' involving William Hill. If any members of the jury are currently employed or have shares in William Hill, or if you knew any of the three defendants, you will not be able to serve in this case due to conflicts of interest. It applied to none of us.

The prosecution started with the details. It is a complex case so bare with me while i try to explain it in the least boring way.

Three young ladies, Tania, Jessica and Evelyn, aged between 19 and 24, were on charges of conspiracy to defraud William Hill. We were given a massive pile of documents which would be referred to during the course of the trial.

He explained what William Hill was, and the different ways you could place a bet. You could do it all in store. Or online. If you do it online, you can either transfer funds in to your online WH (William Hill) account by credit/debit card or bank wire. There is another method not used so much nowadays where you go in store with cash and they will hand you a QuickCash voucher for the equivalent sum of money which you can then apply to your online WH account to place the funds in there. There is apparently no limit to the amount that a QuickCash voucher can be issued for.

Once you have applied the voucher code to your account, the funds have been transferred. You can then use this to gamble or print out a withdrawal receipt of a chosen amount and take this to a WH store and exchange it for cash.

The prosecution explained that in this particular case, the evidence can be classed in to two main groups. Direct evidence (facts, documents, CCTV, DNA, fingerprints, items found during property searches, etc) and Testimonial Evidence (evidence from witnesses, victims or the defendants themselves).

He started with the direct evidence. Tania used to work for William Hill but was sacked for gross misconduct involving falsifying documents. Apparently she issued incorrect amounts of winnings on three occasions. During her time there, she had a set of keys which she used to open up the branch on occasions of staff shortages. The prosecution states she had cut the keys for a copy of them which were for the robbery. When she was sacked she had to hand her keys back.

Three weeks after she was sacked, the store she worked at was robbed. There was no forced entry. The burglars had keys and had the alarm codes. CCTV wasn't active in the store for a number of weeks or possibly months due to some problems they were experiencing with it.

Another branch was also robbed within a few days. Another defendant named Victoria had already pleaded guilty and therefore wasn't part of this trial. She had worked at this other branch and had also been sacked for gross misconduct (details unknown). It was burgled in the same way although CCTV was available in that branch. Crucially, Victoria, Tania and Evelyn knew each other.

Other direct evidence. Tania, Victoria and Evelyn shared a flat during that time (a tenancy agreement was shown). Jessica lived about a mile away.

WH weren't aware those branches had been robbed, due to the stealth nature of the robbery, til a number of weeks later when their accounts didn't add up. Police then did a surprise search of the house many weeks later and a few of the stolen QuickCash vouchers were found in the hallway and in Victoria's handbag, identified by serial numbers on the voucher itself. The online accounts were created in Evelyn's and Jessica's name. They had to be legitimate accounts because when you withdraw money as mentioned above, you need to take identification.

CCTV footage of Evelyn and Jessica on different occasions withdrawing money from WH

I don't want all this to get too boring so I'll sum it up for what I've mentioned so far.

Defendants: Tania, Jessica, Evelyn. (Victoria already pleaded guilty).

Flat shared by: Tania, Evelyn, Victoria.

Sacked WH staff: Tania and Victoria. Tania had a set of keys to open up branch.

WH accounts that laundered money: Jessica and Evelyn.

Stolen QuickCash vouchers found in the flat.

The direct evidence was damning.

He then spent three of the longest hours of my life going through a timeline of all the transactions and events IN A LOT OF DETAIL. Making special point of the time of each one. I'm not even ashamed to say i fell asleep on many occasions. Later i heard a few others did too, including Mr RightAngle which didn't surprise me one bit. Poor old guy. He nodded off on many occasions, often with his pen still in his hands and then it dropping as he fell asleep along with his head rocking to one side. One time he dropped a whole bunch of papers as he fell asleep and slid across his desk.

They really ought to use some kind of software so that the information can be read out in an interesting voice like Morgan Freeman rather than the drone-like Prince Charles we were stuck with.

Occasionally the judge would grant a short break if she felt it was needed. One on occasion, one guy fell asleep and snored. She then asked one of us to prod him awake then told the guy she was okay to give a short break to everyone if he needed one, but he said it was okay. I'm sure the sheer embarrassment of being sounded out in the whole court woke him up just fine.

We were at the end of day two and it looked a straight forward case to me. From what i'd heard so far, i was thinking all three guilty.

Now the testimonial evidence. And this made all the difference. Let's start with the police statements of each of the three. We were given HUGE piles of documents for this. Their police statements, the interview at the police station after being arrested. It was read out by the prosecution lawyer. I'll only mention the important parts.

Tania obviously denies any knowledge of any fraud. She mentions she knew nothing of Evelyn's or Victoria's involvement and that she had no idea who Jessica was. She says she was wrongly dismissed from her job.

Jessica stated an ex-boyfriend asked her to make an account as a favour and she didn't know why and that she was not aware of any illegal activities. She says she doesn't know a Tania. The police then let her know about phone records at which point she crumbled a little and admitted she does know Tania, who is a sort of friend of hers and that she had asked her to make an account for her as she had won some money but couldn't withdraw it as she is a previous employee of WH. She says she doesn't know Evelyn.

Evelyn said a similar story to Jessica. Tania had asked her to make an account. She said she doesn't know Jessica.

I was pretty confused by now. I couldn't work out who was telling the truth. Jessica and Evelyn were either very very stupid girls getting themselves caught on CCTV and opening accounts in their own names. Or they were less stupid for helping someone launder money with Tania being slightly clever here.

Continues tomorrow. The boring parts are over and I'll have a few more interesting stories including finding a fly in the milk. The roof in the jury room leaking when it rained. And bumping in to the defendants in a nearby pub.

Jury Service - Part One

2010-11-19T01:51:00.003Z

So, I've been called up for jury service. AGAIN. The first time was about 10 years back and involved a road-rage case. In summary, guy A got angry with guy B's driving which nearly caused guy A to crash his car. Guy A got out and attacked guy B. Guy B's momma came out to break it up or maybe even attack guy A too, who knows. Then guy A kicked guy B's momma.

Quite a ruckus indeed. Anyway, he went down. Just. On a majority vote.

I was the only one of the 12 jurors to go for not guilty. Although that was due to the charge itself and not for the assault. The charge was Racially Aggravated Assault. And the evidence for the racial slur at the start of the altercation was simply his word against the others. The prosecution lawyer was pretty amateur though. I'm wondering if it was him who chose that charge and not just a straight assault?

In fact, i forgot to mention we were one juror short on that case cos one lady decided to JET OFF ON HOLIDAY DURING THE CASE. Apparently she had booked it before her jury summons but didn't tell anyone. She was supposed to let the court people know so that she isn't put on any long cases or they could defer it to another date. But NOOOO she decides to come in, start a case she knew she would walk away from in the middle.

The judge explained to us he didn't stop her going as he didn't want anyone on jury service that wasn't going to do it properly. And i think i recall her using her headphones in court too. Some african lady with poor english.

Anyway. That was in the lovely Southwark Crown Court. This time I'm in the disgusting Inner London Crown Court near Elephant and Castle. It is so shit. No TV. Cramped seating. Vending machine doesn't work. The toilets remind me of the type you see at a boys-only secondary school. The court rooms themselves are tiny too.

And then there's the surrounding area. Piss shit. Road works all over the place. Dirty cafe's everywhere. Hoodies at every street corner.

First day arrives and i'm ten minutes late. Wasn't a problem though. It started with some boring lectures about the whole process and rules and regulations, plus a boring video. They also mentioned that you can't go out for smoke breaks in case your name gets called on a case. Those poor bastard smokers couldn't smoke in between approx 9.45am - 1pm and 2 - 4pm. And with nothing to occupy them while they wait for a case, must have been difficult for some. Having said that, I did smell a strange odour in the toilets. A mix of shit and smoke if i had it correct. I can tell you now, those two do NOT go well together.

They explained if anyone is finding it difficult being smoke-less for so long, they may come to the office to get some patches. But i guess most just did it on the shitter.

Anyway, so we had to just wait til your name is one of the randomly chosen ones to go on a case. Cases start quite regularly. Every half hour or so.

So i sat back, got my laptop out and browsed Facebook and Twitter. All the while, i'm getting fully paid by work. Pretty cushty. Internet access was £5 per 90 mins. Or £25 per week. Fucking rip offs. But no i didn't pay for it. I used a clever little function on Android phones called tethering which allows me to use my phones internet access.

Lunch time arrives and they pay £5.71 per day for food. They put it on a smart card and you can use it in the building canteen or go eat outside and claim back the accrued amount on the smart card at the end of your jury service.

I was called on to a case shortly after lunch. They choose 15 people and pick 12 people randomly from within the courtroom (the other 3 are reserves in case the defence reject one of the jurors for one reason or another).

It was some long-arse walk to the court! Go down the corridor, down those stairs, and those. Then down that corridor, turn right, the left, then right, go down the corridor, then up those stairs.

One of the 15 was this really old guy, musta been late 60's (the upper age limit for jurors is 69 - interesting choice of number). He has a massive hunchback. Everyone just stares at him everywhere he goes, mainly at wonder how he manages to get around cos he literally at a right angle while he stands. At the top of the final set of stairs he tripped and fell over. Not too bad though.

As we get inside the courtroom, there were only 14 seats available at the back. I was the 14th one to get in. I think, shit. I turn around to see who's behind me cos i remember it was the old hunchback guy. So i let him take the seat even though i was tempted to facepalm him and claim it for myself. He's a right angle anyway, how's he gonna sit down on a chair?

But no, i stayed stood up whilst they picked 12 random names, one of them being mine, and walked my way to grab a seat in the jury section. An end seat. I had no idea what a saviour that was gonna be later on. Having one side free to stretch legs and arms.

The judge was a rather MILFish looking south asian lady. Her eloquence would even challenge the Queen herself. She KNEW she was the boss though. She'd occasionally snap at lawyers (but not in a bitchy way) for wasting time. She briefly explained the charge and the procedures of the court and the case started right away with the prosecution introducing the main details of the case which i will describe in tomorrows blog entry.

Banned from Facebook

2010-06-19T16:36:00.000Z

Your account was disabled because your behavior on the site was identified as harassing or threatening to other people on Facebook.

After reviewing your situation, we have determined that your behavior violated Facebook's Statement of Rights and Responsibilities. You will no longer be able to use Facebook. This decision is final and cannot be appealed.

For posting a pic of my two cousins, who reported it as a joke. WHAT?!

Bots

2009-07-08T23:53:00.004Z

Bot: Software applications that run automated tasks over the Internet. Typically, bots perform tasks that are both simple and structurally repetitive, at a much higher rate than would be possible for a human alone.

Bots also aim for forums and automatically register in order to post adverts. Nowadays, they are amazingly advanced. They can analyse forum content and learn to blend in. Their posts can appear quite creative in order to try and fool a user, starting with titles like "Hi, I'm new!", or "I love your forum!".

Their usernames, though, are often the giveaway. Names such as 'TiFeimporsrer' or 'fievahaibia'. You see a thread started by that name and you know a human wouldn't create that name. Click on the image at the bottom of this entry to see an example of some posts by bots.

But things are changing. I regularly use a forum aimed primarily at British Asians. This bot appears to have known this and, I think, in an attempt to blend in, came up with a Punjabi sounding username: Hentundbeep

Clever or coincidence?

Click to see full size image

SURGERY - PART 7 - Otto

2009-06-19T04:04:00.006Z

The nurses were also quite funny, without meaning to be. Random small talk between two African nurses with very strong accents:

“Hello, how are you?”
“Good”
“What is your name?”
“Otto”
“Otto what?”
“Otto Bum”
“That is a very nice name.”
“Thank you”

HAHA. I was laughing so much trying not to make a noise.

There was another nurse who had a voice like a scratch on a blackboard. It could literally crack glass. It was so rough and screechy that I was wondering if she was faking it. I attempted to record it one time, while making extra conversation with her to get a nice long recording. Unfortunately the recorder on my phone is too crap you couldn’t really hear her much.

She called me “Nurish”. I called her PleaseShutTheFuckUp (in my head anyway). I don’t know if she was married but if she was, I reckon the husband could actually use her voice as grounds for divorce.

Here is me imitating her voice.

I'm not even exaggerating. It really was like that.

Into the 4th week now and a procedure where they put a camera into my stoma to try and find a cause for my bloating and vomiting found there was severe narrowing in my intestine. They said I’d need further surgery if it didn’t improve by itself, which it sometimes does. I then asked to be discharged cos there was nothing more they could do really. Bit of a risk as I was very unwell still, but I had really had enough of everything by this stage. The nurses even urged me to stay a few more days. But I was adamant I wanted to go home, as I could have been there weeks more just to wait to see if the narrowing improves.

I came home and didn’t have the strength to use the stairs the first 2 days or so. But I saw quick improvements in my health afterwards, with the narrowing opening up after about 2 weeks. I’m pretty much fully recovered now and put back all my lost weight, and some more.

I should have been back home a week after surgery, but took just over 4 weeks. I have the 2nd stage of the operation early next year. Really looking forward to that (!).

The End.

SURGERY - PART 6 - Bollocks Man

2009-06-19T04:02:00.001Z

There was an old man opposite me who was rather scary. He had a very rough, loud voice. He also had a strong speech impediment. He seemed a little mental because of the way he spoke. Sometimes he would randomly ask me something and I wouldn’t know what the fuck he just said. I didn’t know what to do. I’d say pardon a few times and either just reply “Yeah” with a smile or just blank him. What else could I do??

I overheard some talk between some doctors, and it turns out his voice was due to a stroke he had many years ago. Sad thing was that even some nurses would ignore him, either because they couldn’t understand him or because they felt uncomfortable around him.

Very poor standard of nurses. They tended to ignore the elderly quite a lot. The elderly would moan and worry more than the younger lot. But the good nurses would communicate properly with them, reassure them, build up a relationship with the patient which led to respect. The bad nurses, which was most of them, mostly foreign nurses actually, would just ignore them which didn’t do much for their state of mind.

He was a source of entertainment though. There was one time he came back from the loo and his bollocks were hanging out! Plain view of everyone! A nurse pointed out his wardrobe malfunction while chuckling. He made a lazy attempt to cover himself but it was all still in plain view for many hours!

His last few days before he left weren’t pleasant for him. He came back from the bathroom on one occasion with blood all over him. The poor dude had fell in the bathroom. A later visit to the same toilet by myself, I saw the blood stains myself. Stupid cleaners can’t even clean properly. There was blood on the toilet bowl and on the sink and a bit on the floor. May have hit his head on the sink or toilet bowl. Ouch. And then crawled around a bit.

Click to see bigger image

Part 7 - Otto

SURGERY - PART 5 - WTF

2009-06-19T04:01:00.007Z

When your in hospital for an extended period, you start to get used to the characters there. The patients, nurses, doctors, and other staff such as cleaners and food giverers. Patients come and go. Some come, but never get back home. I had 3 patients in my ward who died in the first 2 weeks. All elderly. I think everyone in this HDU ward were people who had just had surgery.

There was one old man in my ward who had no strength at all. Couldn’t walk or even sit up in bed. He’d get bed bathes and even spoon fed. He had an adult nappy for his bodily waste. He was sometimes wheeled in and out of bed with this huge machine they’d occasionally bring in. I guess to change his bed sheets or something. He was as quiet as a mouse. Never heard a peep out of him apart from when asked questions. He would sleep about 20 hours a day.

Then, for some reason he was put on a strong painkiller and something funny started happening. He’d talk in his sleep. I say talk, but it was more singing. What were the lyrics to these songs you ask?

“What… the… fuck” he’d gently sing.
“Fuck… the… what” in a rhythmic way.
“What… the… fuck”
“Fuck… the… what”

Occasionally he’d raise or lower the tone, change the volume, or leave a longer or lesser gap between each line, mixing it up a little. I was in stitches! This quiet, gentle, polite, old man! Saying such rebellious things! He did this for two nights.

Part 6 - Bollocks Man

SURGERY - PART 4

2009-06-19T03:57:00.005Z

During my stay in hospital, I was continually suffering from severe intestinal muscle spasms. It was so painful!! They couldn’t do much for it apart from a muscle relaxant called Buscopan which only worked for an hour or two before the pain returned. Minimum waiting time between each dose was six bloody hours.

There was one night where it was particularly bad that I was shouting/screaming a bit. And they couldn’t do anything to help apart from the Buscopan. I was writhing and lightly shouting in pain all night, getting no sleep. During this time, I didn’t drink many fluids, which was very important for me at the time. I managed to get 1 or 2 hours sleep, woke for a loo break, felt much better, so went back to bed for a proper sleep.

I woke a couple of hours later feeling not so good. Dizzy. Weak. Sleepy. Dehydrated. I tried to get up for another loo break, but couldn’t stand, so I used one of those wee bottles they give, and asked the nurse if she can attach a hydrating drip as I was unable to drink much to rehydrate myself due to me getting bloated and vomiting.

She brushed me off and declined, saying as long as I am able to drink even small amounts, I don’t need a drip. Bitch didn’t even check my state of health. I was so weak that I thought “fuck it” and tried to get back to sleep.

I awoke feeling even worse, barely able to talk. My family soon came for their daily visit who then ordered the nurse to sort me out. A different nurse. She checked my vitals and found my heart rate was a whopping 165 and had probably been like this for a few hours. She immediately called a couple of doctors in who done their checks, asking questions to assess my level of consciousness, which was pretty high.

They measured my blood pressure, but it was so low it wouldn’t register on the machine. They tried the old-skool manual way with the pump and stethoscope but still couldn’t measure it. They gave up.

Doctors did an ECG (electro cardiogram which measures the electrical impulses from the heart which gives an idea of the health of the heart). It came back normal, so I’d probably avoid a heart failure.

They injected a drug to lower my heart rate with two different doses unsuccessfully before trying beta-blockers which take longer to work, but at least it was working. It gradually lowered to normal over the next several hours. They added a drip to rehydrate me and something called jello to increase my blood pressure. A felt a big improvement in an hour or two. I was able to talk again, though not loudly.

For the next 3 days, I was unable to get out of bed while I recovered from this episode. My body was left extremely weak. Didn’t even brush my teeth for 2 days. The day I had those bad spasms and the day after with the heart episode were the two toughest days of my life. It might have been avoided if that stupid nurse had checked my vitals when I first summoned her.

Its been about 2 months since then, and my blood pressure is still higher than my normal BP, although still within the normal range. And I’m still taking beta-blocker medication to keep it within range, although not for too much longer.

Part 5 - WTF

SURGERY - PART 3

2009-06-19T03:44:00.007Z

I hope I’ve not been too depressing and boring so far. Stick around, I’ve got more interesting happeninings.

I’ve never written such big posts before. It’s difficult to structure everything. I have so much more to wrote, but I don’t know how to structure it all to keep it interesting. To keep it interesting, I think I’ll alternative between something about my health, and then something more light hearted.

Let’s start with the latter. Beeps. Beep beep. Beep beep beep. Are you finding this annoying? BEEP BEEP BEEP! LOTS OF BEEPS. I certainly found it annoying each night in the HDU (high dependency uni) when I’m trying to sleep, and all I hear are various beeps every few seconds. Occasionally, there’d be a special extra long, loud beep. When an action needs to be taken, like replace the drip bag.

Although, to be honest, if you press the morphine button a couple of times, the beeps can become rather enjoyable. A bit like trance music. You find yourself tapping your fingers to the beep.

Let me tell you about one of the main culprits of the beeps. A lovely old lady named June Rose. Or Rose June. I’m not sure which way it went, she seemed to change it each time a nurse asked her. I’ll call her Rose here because I prefer names based on flowers rather than months.

She arrived into the ward a few days after me, into the space to my left. I had a wonderful window slot by the way. Lots of natural light. There was a wonderful children’s garden outside.

Anyway, Rose. She had had some type of surgery, heart if I remember correctly, and was on the epidural for first 2 days, like me.

When it was her time to come off of it, she complained of being unable to feel one side of her body and was quite panicked about it. The doctors couldn’t really do much for her apart from reassure her and wait to see how things develop. It may have been a temporary thing. They attached lots of monitoring equipment which was the culprit of most of the beeps in the ward.

Over the next few days, confusion began to creep in. She’d talk to herself. She’d answer questions with answers that didn’t make sense. There was one day where anything you asked her, there was a 90% chance she’d reply with “not very often no”. On this day she was asked a lot of questions by the nurses and doctors to assess her mental state.

“What is your name?”
“Not very often no”

“Rose, do you know where you are?”
“Umm, not very often no”

“You are in hospital”
“I know!!”
“Do you know why you are here?”
“Pardon?”
“Do you know why you are here?”
“……….”
“Rose, do you know why you are here?”
“Not very often no”

Was quite sad to hear. She was going mental or something. And forgetting everything told to her.

After some tests and scans, they found she had had a stroke during the operation.

Ok maybe this story wasn’t so light hearted. How about a joke instead?

Police are investigating a street in Birmingham where they have already removed 62 Asians for living in the UK illegally.

They're raiding a second house tomorrow.

Ha? Or how about this. Saw this bag on my hospital bed.

Unfortunate bag fold

Part 4

SURGERY - PART 2

2009-06-16T22:02:00.005Z

I awoke in the high dependency ward as expected. Can't really remember too much about that first week due to the morphine given through the epidural. Initially there wasn't much pain, but was increasing by the hour. The anaesthetist arrived to adjust the level of drugs given through the epidural which reduced the pain. Much more comfortable now. I was given small amount of soft food straight away and i tolerated it well.

Two days later they replaced the epidural with morphine. A small amount is constantly going into your blood stream. But you're also given a button which gives a little boost of morphine in times of pain.

Unfortunately, it's computer controlled (a PCA - patient controlled analgesia) with a timer and everything which only lets you administer the boost after a certain period which the anaesthetist sets. Mine was set at about every 8 mins. Bastard thing. I tried to hack it.

The morphine was soon replaced by oxycodone as it seemed to work better on me than morphine for some reason. For the next week i was hiiiiiigghhhhhh as a kite. It felt great. But it does give very vivid dreams. Sometimes bad dreams. And what you don't want are vivid bad dreams.

During the night, i would drift in and out of sleep. My mind would take what the eyes last saw before they closed, and continue it with its own messed up version. When i woke, the dream would somehow morph into what my opened eyes now see. It was almost seamless. Trippy!

At this point, the Dr's were saying i should be discharged in a few days as i was recovering as expected.

But, probably the third day now, i started to bloat very easily. It got worse as i started to vomit green puke (green due to the bile, which indicates vomit coming from an area past the stomach) and severely bloated, so they stopped me from eating which ended up being 2 weeks of no food and a drop of weight to 6st 7lbs! That's 43kg for you imperialists.

A few times I actually puked close to a litre of vomit in one go! They ended up placing an NG tube up my nose and down into my stomach so that if i were to feel blaoted and nauseus, i could suck the vomit out through the tube before actually puking to reduce the stress of it all.

I'm guessing you're dying to see photos. So here they are. First pic is me with the NG tube up my nose which goes right down to the bottom of my stomach. It can suck up any liquidy stuff in there. See the green vomit in the 2nd pic? Good. Remember that image next time you have a meal. Next time you have anything green :)

I remember when the two nurses came in to insert it. They warned me its a very uncomfortable one minute or so. And at the time i was nauseous. Can you guess what happened?

I heaved several times, followed by a projectile vomit! Mostly on the bed, but some on the nurses! 100 POINTS TO ME!

Part 3

SURGERY - PART 1 - Pre-surgery

2009-06-15T23:59:00.002Z

I haven't written a blog post in years! I thought i'd give this another go. I certainly have enough to write about now. A lot of things have happened in the last few months.

Lets start with the main event. In March, I spent a month in hospital and came out weighing a mere 6 and a half stones (43kg / 95 pounds).

Before I start, let me get the boring details out of the way. I've had a condition called crohns & ulcerative colitis since 2000, which causes inflammation of the colon due to an overreaction by the immune system.

Until now, I've been keeping it under control with a bucket load of medications including immune suppressants such as azathioprine, and corticosteroids such as prednisolone. They all have their side-effects, but you tolerate them if they manage to control the condition. There are also tons and tons of food intolerances. All types of beans, anything high fibre, dairy products, as well as vegetables and fruits.

But in the last few years these medications have become less effective in controlling the inflammation, so i went for the surgery, where they cut out the affected part of the bowel. In my case, that's all of it.

The op is done in two stages with me using an external ostomy bag (a poo bag) in-between.

They called me in to hospital the day before surgery so they can monitor my health pre-surgery to make sure you're fit enough. They told me to get in to the hospital gown and wear the stockings that prevent deep vein thrombosis. Along with flip flops, its quite a sexy combination.

I didn't feel much nerves for some reason. Probably because i was looking forward to the benefits of the surgery. No more pills and my diet opening up again to all foods! Being able to be a normal weight, size and strength for once in my life.

They informed me about the anaesthetic used during the procedure. An epidural! They use that shit for women giving birth! Anaesthetic straight into the spine!

Next day came around, and i had to wait til 3pm for my surgery slot. Bit i didn't mind. I was calm, mostly browsing the net on my phone, being the addict i am.

They sat me down in a wheelchair and wheeled me into the anaesthetic room where the anaesthetist, some foreign-sounding dude, was in rather good spirits. He looked through a window into the next room where the surgeries takes place to check if they were ready for me.

"Whoa, what a mess" he said.
"Is there blood all over the place??" I replied jokingly, with a smile.
Seeing as it was where bowel op's were taking place, he replied...
"No. Shit actually".

Jokingly of course. I laughed hard. Half cos he made such a dodgy joke, and probably half cos the nerves were starting.

He inserted something into my spine close to the neck area and asked me for feedback on how i felt. All of a sudden i felt the most excruciating pain ever across my chest and arms! NERVE PAIN! "ARGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH" I lightly screamed.

He pulled the thing out and tried again, this time more successfully. Once that was in, he administered the drug to knock me out. I love this bit. You feel it take effect in a few seconds. It's an amazing feeling. I've never taken heroin, but i imagine it would feel something like that. I was probably awake for another 20 or 30 wonderful seconds, and then i was out.......

Part 2 - Pre-surgery

The Naked Bike Ride (NSFW)

2009-06-13T21:36:00.009Z

Went to this last weekend. Naked bike ride through London. It was hilarious.

Here was the setting. Trafalgar Square. Lots of people there, like there are everyday. Lovely sunny day. Tourists. Families with kids. Passer-by's just enjoying the fountain.

Many of them had no idea what was about to happen...

All of a sudden, a few police cars arrive and block a few roads. Over a thousand naked people on bicycles whoosh past! A good 15 mins of nakedness.

That day, a few innocent people lost their innocense after what they saw.

The whole thing was a passive protest about the world's dependence on natural resources like oil. It's a worldwide event that tours different countries.

The cyclists were loving it! Most were creative, with some form of body paint. Some people put a twist to it by doing it on skates, a unicycle, two ppl on one cycle or dancing on the cycle. Some just keeping it simple and running naked. Bits bobbing up and down.

Saw this one dude who was very fat. I couldn't even see the seat! It was halfway up his bum cheeks!

Also entertaining were the bible bashers shouting abuse at them.

"You are animals! Nothing but beasts!"
"You will end up in hell fire!"

Yeah okay then. Anyway, this post is nothing without photos, so here are my faves (not my photos, taken from Flikr.com) Click on them for bigger images...

Some more photos on CitizenSide.com

It Looked The Same!

2007-10-16T22:15:00.000Z

Earlier tonight, my dad dropped me at sainsburys to do some shopping while he parked up and waited outside somewhere.

So i finished my buying, came outside, had a glance around for the car, saw it up this dark road across the road, and made my way there. The engine was already on.

So i opened the back door, threw my shopping bags on the back seats, and I'm about to shut the door (so i can get in front seat) when i hear a confused sounding "ERR... SORRY..."

So i bent down and glanced inside to the driver seat and see some big African dude sitting there!

So i apologised and told him my car is the same one and walked off. He found it funny though and made some joke about swapping cars or some shit, while i walked ahead and found dads car about 10 cars ahead.

He looked a lot like Guy Goma!!

Looking into the past....

2007-07-08T03:05:00.001Z

You know how all the stars we see in the sky are really an image of the past? What if someone was watching us, say, 60 light years away... they could see World War 2 unfolding right before their eyes. Or thousands of light years away to see the Egyptian pyramids being built. Or hundreds of millions of light years away to see the dinosaurs walk the earth. Or billions of light years away... "Ah. No intelligent life there. Next!"

I dunno if worm holes actually exist, but if they do, and we could use them, could we go back and view anything in history? Or go far enough to catch up with the first piece of light, and view the big bang? Or travel away from earth at the speed of light (if it was possible) so the earth will appear stuck in time?

Best chat-up line ever

2007-06-18T14:39:00.005Z

So me and my mate were down the local pub the other day and closing time was near. It was almost empty and the young bar lady was wiping down all the tables while telling the remaining few that they're about to close up now.

But this one drunk dude, slurring and not even walking straight, thought he's in with a chance! The night's almost over, one last go to pull!

As young-bar-lady lets him know they're closing soon, he starts some some small-talk culminating with the magic line in his irresistible drunk cockney accent...

"YERR WANA GO FORRA FRUUCCKINN DRENKKK?!?"

Yeah. That's gonna sweep her off her feet that is.

Yuck Uncle

2007-03-29T16:10:00.000Z

My 2 yr old nephew (Rishi) is at that stage where he's remembering everything he hears. And when one of our uncles left our house the other day, an uncle who has extremely poor hygiene, one who smells awful, i told nephew that's smelly uncle.

And now hes calling him "yuck mama" (mama=maternal uncle) and "smelly". He's gonna end up saying it in front of him one day.

I only said it once and now its permanent for him!!!!

*will choose his words very carefully now*

*will teach him to say Sir Naresh*

Its xmas so the neighbours are at it again

2006-12-04T18:56:00.000Z

Every bloody year. The nice old man spends weeks setting it up using his trusty ladder. One day he's gonna fall. I reckon he only does it to get away from his wife for a bit. She's not a very nice woman.

Quite a sight though huh?

Keep your feet warm this winter

2006-11-02T22:36:00.001Z

It's an annoying problem, cold feet in the comfort of your home.

Here's my solution. Wear some cheap, old, soft, stretchy trackies and wrap the ends around your feet like so:

Seriously though. Works like a charm. You can even walk around like that to keep cold floors at bay.

Parents may moan it's ruining the trackies but that's why you use cheap ones.

Slight problem though. If, like me, you've been doing this for a few years, you may get this slight problem. Baguette.

Jackpot! Ding ding ding ding ding!

2006-10-16T20:52:00.000Z

Ahh i forget to mention about my jackpot incident last week!

I was at uni, felt a bit peckish so went over to one of those snack machines to buy me some crisps.

Monster munch, pickled onion flavour, lovely. 35p. Shoved a pound in, got the crisps, then pressed the change button.

I hear a looonngggg *clink* *clink* *clink* *clink* *clink* sound (money dropping)

*clink* *clink* *clink* *clink*

It just kept going on!!

*clink* *clink* *clink* *clink* for aaaaaaaaages

When it finally finished, i shoved my hand inside the change compartment......

It had given me back 65 one pennies.

WTF

I couldn't even put that in my pocket, it would be too heavy and rip through the pocket. So i put it in my empty lunch box, which is actually just an empty margarine tub to hold my banana so it doesn't get squashed. I was walking around making such a noise with it all clunking around in the box.

E.T. Phoonnee Hooommeeee

2006-10-16T20:22:00.002Z

Hahah my dad just phoned home from work and i love winding him up. He always calls for useless stuff, as if he's just doing it to kill time at work. And sometimes he has this dramatic tone to his voice.

"Where's mum? She's not home ??!?! Ok then. What's nephew doing? Has he been fed??!!? Have i got any letters in the post?"

Just unimportant stuff. I think he just likes some attention. With other members of the family, he will go on for ages. And it annoys us all cos its pointless and we might be busy with something.

But he doesn't do it so much with me cos i have a tactic :) I answer a sloooww dull "YESSS" or "NOOO" to all his comments or questions. Sometimes i wait about 3 secs before answering with the dull YES or NO, and i think it makes him impatient and annoys him :) Or sometimes i talk over him talking or answer in the middle of the question. If hes talking a lot I'll say YESSS every 3 or so secs right over him talking. And he just gets fed up slightly and ends up saying bye a lot sooner than he does with other members of the family.

Example:
"Check if any of YESSS my letters have arrived, cos the postmYESSSan hadnt arrived when i left hYESSome and keep it on side for YEESSSSS me ok?"

*4 sec gap*

"hello?"

*2 sec gap*

"NOOOOO"

Tis jolly fun.

So we're watching television...

2006-09-14T05:11:00.000Z

...mum, dad, me and 2 year old nephew. Football finishes, so i hand the remote to nephew, who passes it to my dad and says "cartoon! cartoon!!"

Dads asks me what channel cartoons are on, I reply 601 onwards....

Now, he's not very good with technology. He puts his head down towards the remote, to press 6... but on the screen "9" comes up...

I was amused. He didn't notice his error as he was looking at the remote still. He goes to the next 2 digits... instead of 0 and 1, on the screen comes up 0 and 3

903 !

TELEVISION X FREEVIEW

TITS AND ARSE EVERYWHERE LMAO

And being in his sixties, he's slow with the remote, and took him another 10-15 seconds to get back to 601.

Should i be worried?

2006-09-11T22:00:00.000Z

On the treadmill today, first time in ages, doing a really light 3 minute jog and my heart-rate hit 181 bpm. I wasnt even tired or out of breath!

3 BEATS PER SECOND ??

One final incident I forgot

2006-08-27T10:14:00.000Z

I forgot an incident in the city of Ahmedabad! We were out shopping on foot through the markets. I never realised how huge the market areas were. It just went on and on.

As it was near the end of our holiday, mum wanted to give some money to the needy, so she went to a few of these cheap food places that provide food for the poor at really low prices and basically gave them a wad of cash and told them to feed however many people it pays for. It’s a common thing to do I was told. I wasn’t quite prepared for the scramble straight after though! I remembered to stand back at the next place.

There are a lot of poor people around, beggars, homeless etc, and Mum is a sucker for people with disabilities. This teenager approached her, showing off his single arm, asking for money, and mum just emotionally collapsed and gave him 150 rupees. That’s like giving 20 or 30 pounds to a beggar here. Don’t get me wrong I wasn't complaining, I think its great, except she did it front of about 15 other child beggars who all started salivating.

They followed us for the next 20 mins wherever we want. We walked fast, we walked slow. We walked high, we walked low. We hopped, we skipped. Yet they were behind us all the way. Prodding us now and again and asking for money. They were really annoying me, especially this one kid who grabbed my elbow gently to get my attention. But they eventually got bored. Mum made a big mistake in giving it out in front of everyone :|

Note:
I hope I didn’t offend people with my “showing off his single arm” comment above. I think I’ll be serious for once. Being a fairly hidden person, it’s not something I like to do very often in something as public as a blog. I don’t tend to feel sorry for disabled or the homeless etc, unless I sense they feel sorry for themselves. Isn’t all that everyone is after is a vague sense of happiness? How is that happiness any different whether you can walk or are in a wheelchair? Its all a state of mind and anyone can achieve (although the wheelchair would be an obstacle for most people). We all know the man who has everything may be depressed. I would feel sorry for that man more than I feel sorry for a happy leg-less man. The body is but a shell and temporary, so why focus on it :) I guess if you believe we are nothing more than our bodies then you are entitled to feel sorry for them.

Another important point, if you had a disability, you wouldn’t want people feeling sorry for you. Using that insight, why feel sorry for them?

Things you thought you'd never hear them say

2006-08-26T19:33:00.001Z

My dad (that pics not my dad btw) comes in my room just now and says (in Gujarati):

"Can you just draw a line near my sideburns with biro? I need to shave them but I need a guide"

(biro = ball point pen)

WTF

I TOLD HIM TO FUCK OFF.

I didn't really. I did as instructed.

I DREW ON MY DADS SIDEBURNS WITH A BIRO.

Not many people can say they've done that :)

My last entry about India...

2006-08-14T10:44:00.001Z

Well i'm back in the UK now, back hoommeee! Arrived on the 6th, but have been sooo lazy for the first week. Probably jet lag. Or maybe i'm just lazy. I didn't have access to a PC during the last 10 days in india for reasons i shall not go into here (ask if ur curious). So here's some stuff left during those last 2 weeks that i didn't get a chance to put up!

Bought a few DVD's:
I made up a list of about 30 dvd's i wanted to get. I emailed a copy of the list to my sisters, and they reply with another 30 dvd's they wanted!! So i had to trim the list as much as i could, and got it down to about 50 lol. But i knew some wouldn't be available, so off we trekked to a dvd shop, gave the man the list so he could start piling them up in front of us.

It was like an outside shop, but quite big, and there was sooooooo many fucking flies. I looked down at my legs/feet and there musta been like 5-10 sitting there. Gross. At first i just shook or stamped my foot every 10 or 20 secs. But i soon realised DVD man was gonna take LONNNGGGG making my pile. And i couldn't be shaking/stamping my leg about a hundred times. So i just stood there after and let them shat on my feet.

Ended up being 40 DVD's. He made up the bill.... FUCKING £200 ! :O but then, without asking, took 10% off, which was nice. Much more than my mum would have ever asked for. She always tries to bargain, but cos her maths (and her sense of working out proportions) is so bad, she always ends up asking for too little. I remember one incident where we bought a bunch of artwork from this little shop. The price came up to 3260 Rupees if i remember correctly. And my mum says "will you knock the 60 rupees off at least??" And i was thinking WHAT.

Lets turn it into pounds to get an idea of what happened. Total: £38, and mum asked for 70 pence off that. PENCE! Haha. And the funny thing was, the dude actually thought about it for a second, then agreed. Either he was a bit shocked at someone asking for a 1.8% discount. Or he was incredibly stingy and was actually wondering whether he should give such a discount (after all, this is the land of the Guji's).

Anyway, that was that, we bought £180 worth of Hindi dvd's. Far more than i thought it would come up to. works out to about about fiver per dvd. I hope he didn't overcharge us cos we're Brits.

Monkey Jumps:
I gotta mention the monkeys again. I saw one on top of a roof opposite our apartment on the 4th floor in Ahmedabad. I was astonished to see it take a massive 25 feet leap from that roof to a little roof on our building. It was one huge leap! And so high up! These are big monkeys too! Check my photo's page (see link at bottom of this entry) to see the monkey.

Puking boy on coach:
Heh this was a bit gross. We were on the coach going to another relatives house and a few seats ahead was a family with 2 young kids. One of the kids then threw up onto his seat before they got off the coach. The coach driver then wiped it a bit, not much. And a few mins later some other dude came on and just sat his arse right on that seat! Gross!

Raghav intentionally swears on daytime television:
I was watching telly in the early afternoon one time and there was an interview with raghav on B4U music. As i was watching, the lady interviewer said "shit".

And Raghav was like, "can you say that??"

And she's like "i can say aaaanything i like!".

And he's like "oh my gaaawd that's so cool. I can say shit! Shit shit shit! Shitty shit shit!" And then he broke into this freestyle singing and added loads of "shit" into it! It was quite funny!

Stare each other out:
I noticed another weird thing about the traffic in India. When you're stopped in traffic before some traffic lights, everyone seems to look left n right to stare at people near them. Not just a glance, but a proper up and down look, from head to feet (for the motorbiked ppl). Staring is so annoying. I should have done my Fragesh face at them if they stared at me (ask for details).

Touch my leg in a Rickshaw:
Oh man this was funny. I was in a rickshaw which stopped at some traffic lights. And there was a boy going around cleaning peoples windscreens and then asking for money. The rickshaw doesnt have much of a windscreen tho. But he must have noticed i was a foreigner, so he comes up to our rickshaw.... and im wondering what the heck he's gonna do for money.... he reaches his hand out and starts to fucking massage my legs! And then my aunt shoo'ed him off me. HOW RANDOM.

I think that's the end of my India blog! I doubt i'll have much more entries now cos my life here is so boring. I need material to write about to make entries.

Check out the photos from India

Cow dung

2006-07-26T06:24:00.001Z

Well i had been waiting a long time to see a donkey/cow/buffalo do a poo live in front of me. And 4 weeks after i arrive at the village, with only 3 days to go before i leave, i was blessed.

I was sitting outside a relatives house... chatting to them... a cow approaches slowly... slow probably because it is full of about 30 kg's of shit... stops... about 15 feet in front of us... with arse pretty much towards us... tail lifts up... and a big pile of shit comes out of its arse. proper gross! So i took a photo of it, as a souvenir, and sat down, the end.

Or so i thought... because a minute later a woman comes out of the nearest house with a spade type thing and a tile or something. She scoops it up and legs it back inside her house. WTF. For fuel? I thought they don't do that no more. But that's what happened.

Hot, fresh from the oven, cow dung. Shame I just missed the Cow. You like the splatter marks? :)

A minute later this lady comes out, scoops it up and takes it home!

The other day we went out for a picnic to Hill Gardens. A teeny little park/theme park. It was pretty decent, for Gujarat. They had boat rides where u paddle with ur feet. The lake thing was damn small tho. You just kept going around in a small circle. They had bumper cars, but only 2 cars and a tiny area to drive in... again, just go around in a small circle. A puppet show which was pretty poor, it was just some puppets doing Indian dancing. Same thing over n over again. The big wheel was the best thing. Fairly big, and gave that butterflies in ur stomach feeling, to let u know u got ur moneys worth.

I had my astrology reading done by a priest last week, and he said a special religious ceremony has to be done on me at the temple to kind of reduce the bad stuff in my astrology results. Interesting. It was so long, 3 hours! My back was killing sitting there cross legged. I did get a long break in between tho. Earlier i was told by my aunt that if you need to go loo in the middle of it, your clothes cannot touch the loo, and u have to wash your feet afterwards before resuming the ceremony. So you have to either take a dump/wee stark naked, or do it clothed, but change ur clothes after. WHAT!

I did need the loo, so during my break i trekked home as its near (and i don't like using public loo's here as they may not have loo roll and it might have piss on the floor) and did opted for the naked poo rather than changing my clothes, and washed my feet.

At the end i was given this small stone/gem (i dunno what it is) that was a part of the ceremony, and i have to wear it either on a ring or necklace. I don't like rings so i'm gonna have it put on my necklace in a locket.

Whenever we drive to other villages, we go through a long stretch of nothingess, just forests, flat land, things like that. But i notice you sometimes see a cluster of like 3 or 4 little tents in the middle of nowhere. It got me thinking. These ppl could be living there with absolutely no need for fuel, electricity or even money. Completely isolated from the rest of the world. They grow their own food on the patch of land nearby. They may have a cow or 2 for milk. They probably walk to a nearby lake for water or to bathe. They burn wood or dried cowpat to use as fuel. What else do you you need to survive?

Superstitions...

2006-07-22T19:10:00.002Z

Wow they annoy me. We were talking today about how my nephew wasn't named via the Raasi method (where they look at the date he was born n give u the first letter or something). They chose his name beforehand. And my aunt here (the one who said u should never eat 2 fruits that are stuck together) said that we shouldn't do that cos some kids have more chance of illnesses.

I then said, what about all the other races that don't use the Raasi method, are they getting more ill than us? Then she said something that i didn't quite understand cos of my poor Gujarati so i just nodded and carried on watching telly.

ARGH. MY GUJARATI.

I was wondering for a second how these strange superstitions/beliefs start or spread. Then i realised its just word of mouth. When aunt mentioned the double banana thing (see below) my mum just accepted it and told me not to eat it either. And this thing she just accepted too. Ppl just come up with these things and then it spreads through ppl without them questioning or checking.

My mum will probably tell a few other ppl and they'll accept it and they'll tell others...

Update:
I've just realised i never did write about the double banana incident in any earlier entries. My mum bought a bunch of banana's and we realised later one of them was 2 banana's stuck together! it looked pretty cool. i was looking forward to eating it/opening it cos the village is so damn boring that things like double banana's are the most exciting things that can happen. Anyway, when my aunt heard about it, she said "you cant eat it!" and i'm like eh why not. and my mums the same, like why not?? then aunt said no-one eats double fruits stuck together. you cant eat it you have to hand it in to the temple. so i asked why again... "u cant. no-one eats double fruits". i was getting very annoyed inside cos she wasn't answering the question :@ so i just left it. and even mum was saying it after (that you cant eat it). JEEZ :|

They told me to bring it to them, so when i went to get it and picked it up by the top, it ripped open a bit HAHA so i got to see inside it at least! The inside was proper stuck together.

I asked aunts husband (lmao i've just realised she's not my aunt, she's my cousins wife, Bhabhi), anyway i asked him and he's like naa nothing happens, but you know what women are like, i just let them do what they want.

Kinda gross looking nah? :s

Fly poo dots

2006-07-20T17:44:00.000Z

We have this jar that we use to catch flies in our room. We keep the door n windows shut so flies n machar's don't come in and hassle us at night. Sometimes a fly or two manages to infiltrate our bomb shelter when we enter it, the door being open for a few seconds. We then use a jar to catch it, and free it outside, sometimes later in the day.

After many weeks of this, the other day i decided to check the jar carefully for fly poo. and theres SOOOO many little dark brown specks all over on the inside! Boy do they poo! Gross. I remember a fly incident last time i came India, i remember seeing one land on my hand, and i just watched it, as a teeeeeny drop of water came out its backside and flew off. It wee-ed on hand!

Internet Care
Funny thing my mum earlier today, she was saying her cousins dad is ill in hospital, and that he's in "internet care" (she has poor English). I broke out in smile, not very appropriate considering the bad news. But i couldn't help it. I made her repeat what she said... "internet care, what's it called...". And i'm like "INTENSIVE CARE!!"

Village barbers

2006-07-18T08:13:00.000Z

HAD MY FRIGGIN HAIR CUT TODAY FOR ELEVEN PENCE (ten rupees)

A month back i had both the haircut and a shave for 18 rupees, it was damn good! After shaving your face, he massages it! So relaxing. He pressed a bit hard on the eyes tho. And wiped my face with an old cloth that he prolly used on a hundred villagers before me without washing it. BUT ELEVEN PENCE.

Posting from the city of Headband

2006-07-17T06:01:00.000Z

Well I’m sure my millions of fans have been eagerly awaiting my next blog instalment. Well here it is.

Since my last entry, I’ve done quite a few things. I’ve went for a special jamvaanu (meal) at a nearby mandir for about 200 hundred ppl which we were told to arrange on behalf of the anniversary of my grandfathers death a few years ago. The fly season started soon after. Flies everywhere! I’ve got a lot of insect bites now too. I also had to take part a mysterious religious ritual a few days ago involving just me and mum. And yesterday I went to this strange meeting with the “Rotary Club”. Cos of my limited Gujarati I couldn’t quite work out what it was. It seemed like a cross between Free Masonry and a local trust fund type thing that they use to build things needed for the village. Apparently it’s a worldwide thing.

The main unpleasant things of the week were a huge spotted spider jumping on me, and having to refuse holy milk cos a fly fell in it. Everyone else, probably shocked at my refusal, didn’t see a problem with the fly!

Lets start with the jamvaanu. I’m always reluctant to eat at ppl’s houses in a village cos I’m a bit of a hygiene freak. I did in the first week I arrived here, a bit naïve thinking the ppl aren’t that dirty. But my mum told me after eating at one of her friends houses that whilst she was cooking she was sweating like mad, and just wiping the dripping sweat off her face with her hands, and then throwing her hands back into the cooking, whilst making puri. That and a few other things at other houses made us decide not to eat out. Every time someone invites us, and we got a lot of invitations, my mum would tell them “Naresh doesn’t like eating at other ppl’s houses” !!!! She hates it just as much as I do but she only mentions me!

Anyway, the thought of eating at the mandir was even more off-putting. God knows who cooks it and how clean they are. Ive learnt that villagers definition of “clean” is completely different to ours. Their “clean” is our dirty. And our “clean” to them is waaayy over the top.

At first I suggested I eat before I go and not eat there, but was told I gotta eat something there even if its just a pinch-ful. So I agreed. There, we sat, the plates, bowl, cup and cutlery all laid out on the floor of the hall. I inspected the plate, and it was a bit dirty. I inspected one of the bowls, it was filthy, the other bowl wasn’t too bad tho. I didn’t bother checking the cup as I didn’t plan on drinking anything. So I planned in my head where to place the food, on this side of the plate to avoid the dirty bit, and in that bowl, the cleaner one.

Food starts arriving, some men who walk through the aisles offering the food to our plates, and I declined most of it (some out of choice, some cos they’re bad for my condition), accepting some rotli (chapatti) and kadhi (kari? That yellow, watery curry) and a piece of ladoo. The rotli looked so kaatchi (uncooked). I got stuck in and it wasn’t very nice. Had about 4 bite-fuls, and it began to taste worse n worse with each bite, I thought id finish it, but on one of the bites I almost heaved! Haha! It tasted like “lot”/dough. The kadhi was awful too. I stopped there, I didn’t wanna heave in front of everyone who are eating the same food as me. And moved onto the ladoo, looking forward to the sweet taste of it to get rid of the doughy taste in my mouth. Had a few bites and a big bit of fluff was inside, about an inch long. Lovely.

After I finished, I followed my cousin to where we put our dishes. Soon realized we have to go outside to a long line of outside sinks, bare foot, and wash our own dishes! No wonder the dishes were dirty! Random ppl were washing them, little kids even. And washing involved rinsing them in water and rubbing your hands across any stubborn bits of food. No washing up liquid. Ppl hardly use that here in the village. I tiptoed around, trying to avoid stepping on bits of food on the floor, glad it was finished.

The fly season started quite suddenly soon after. Within a few days, the number of flies must have tripled or quadrupled! Id walk out of the house to find my chappal covered in about 10 or 15 flies, god knows what they’re eating. My foot-sweat or any skin that may have shed onto the chappal. It was time to use my insect repellent. I now spray that on my feet and chappal before I leave the house and not many land on me after. At night, they buzz onto your face, hoping to get a few slurps of the natural oil on your skin. Sometimes they’re so fucking aggressive! Flying like kamikaze pilots, right into your face! There’s not many in our little room thing. It’s separate from the other houses. And it’s upstairs too so less insects and not many flies cos we keep the doors and windows shut. You get a few flies but if they keep bothering us, we (me or mum) catch them in jars and let them out outside. There was quite a few the other day so we decided to fumigate the room.

A few days later, my mum tells me “god is coming to our house tmr morning. I’ve invited god to come at 8am.” I don’t like to argue with her materialistic views of god so I just agree to it. It’s a 2 day ceremony for me and her starting at 8am for about an hour and a maraj carries it out. I had no idea what it was for! Felt like a marriage at one point! The next day mum said it’s a ritual that brings good fortunes to the family. I’m gonna start playing the lottery from now on. The maraj also said he does astrology readings! That was cool so I gave him my birth date and time. I look fwd to that! I like that kinda stuff.

On the 2nd day, near the end of the ceremony, one of those kamikaze flies jumped into the holy milk. The maraj picked it out with his fingers. The fly lived btw. And at the end the milk was passed around the room for everyone to drink a tiny bit. I was like “WHAT”. I whispered to mum that I’m not having any. As I was about to get up and leave as it was finished, my cousin says wait u haven’t had the milk yet! I’m like SHIT. I told her I don’t want it cos a fly fell in it and she smiled and gave this “u weirdo” look. I wanted to shout to everyone “A FUCKIN FLY FELL IN IT MAN!!!!! A FUCKIN FLY!” I asked mum if she had any and she said she didn’t want to but had to, so took a tiny bit. Haha. I think she felt too ashamed to refuse it in front of everyone. She wouldn’t have had any if the room wasn’t full of ppl.

A few days ago, my cousin (Ramesh) and a few of his friends invited me to go with them to this farm house in the evening, his friends place. He said there’s a meeting going on, and then they just drink, n eat n chat, and there’s a swimming pool there (not in use at the moment tho). So I went along, thinking I might enjoy.

It’s a huge piece of land. Some farms. Some buildings. Some were enjoying the customary whiskey + water. How sick that must taste. And this hairy beast of a topless man was starting to make the food. I decided there and then that I’m not gonna eat there. There probably wasn’t much I was allowed anyway, unless I ate curry on its own as I’m not a big fan of rice either (strange I know). They tend to eat a lot of moong beans here (kichari) and that’s a food to avoid for me.

The meeting was about to start, so we all was led upstairs. It was a bare house, I think it was being newly built. It was starting to get dark outside. The windows were all wide open so I was a bit aware that insects would start to flock to the light in the room. Anyway, they sat n started talking about plans of this Rotary Club thing they have started. I couldn’t understand much of it. It lasted an hour and a half, while the dude who owns the land was almost shouting. Guji’s have gotta be the loudest bunch of ppl on earth. I started insect spotting…. Saw all sorts of weird stuff flying around in the room. Stuff id never ever seen before. I remained calm tho as I sat there cross legged on the floor. As long as they don’t touch me I’m alright. I saw 2 little lizards come in through the window too. I dunno what they’re called in English, we call them “Andhi-chi-chi”, tried spelling it the best I can. They’re cute little lizards.

Then suddenly I feel something land on me near my shoulder, my face screws up in fear as I turn my head left to see a big spider on me, I start flicking my hand like mad at it to swat it off me and it falls a couple of foot ahead of me. GOD. It just fucking jumped out of nowhere! It was quite a big black thing, with white spots on it! AND THE FUCKER CAN JUMP. I composed myself. Keeping one eye on it. Then a minute later it fucking jumps towards me again! AND I HOPPED BACKWARDS A FEW STEPS ALONG THE FLOOR WHILST STILL ON MY ARSE (we were sitting on the floor). And the dude near me, who knew my fear of these things, flicked it away, and some ppl laughed. Bastids! Thankfully the meeting finished soon after and I was dropped off home as they were about to eat.

I have no idea why I’m so scared of the little shits. I know they do fuck all. But something just overrides all that like instinct. Like when you touch something too hot and your hand just automatically comes off of it without your conscious control. Actually I do have an idea of why. I remember my mum used to discipline me by telling me a spider is coming if I don’t behave etc. It probably started then.

Ppl here love nature. Sitting on a farm or on a large piece of natural land. I can see the beauty in it too, but before I do, my mind is focused on all the insects that u get. It doesn’t seem to bother these ppl one bit that there are 2 or 3 beasts crawling on their neck.

We had a little frog in the kitchen the other day. It was so funny seeing it jump up n down. My mums so scared of them, and rats.

Earlier today we went into town (Bhuj, 10 miles away) for some shopping. I needed a poo, so my aunt took me to her brother’s shop which was nearby and asked him if I can use the loo, he said yes. Then my aunt said they’re British, they prefer the sitting down loo’s not the hole in the ground ones, so he said he’d get someone to drop me to his relatives house nearby. Some guy came out the shop and I got on a scooter with him… *cue mission impossible theme*… we rode about 10 fucking mins! Must have travelled about 2 miles just to use the toilet, going thru tiny little aisles n bumpy roads, swerving around the numerous cows, buffalo’s and dogs. Did the business n another 2 miles n 10 mins to get back *mission impossible theme ends*. All that just to poo! Haha.

There’s a huge tree here nearby that houses literally hundreds of bats. Its quite amazing. During the day they all sleep on the branches upside down. Occasionally screaming when disturbed by another bat. At dusk, they all flock slowly somewhere in bunches. I don’t know where. Its quite a sight. I need to get some photo’s of it.

One thing I forgot to mention is that I've felt what I think were 2 teeny earthquakes. I was wondering if it really was a quake or a big truck that drove past but there’s always trucks going by and I don’t feel a thing and my cousin confirmed that there are often little tremors. Felt quite amazing. I’ve always wanted to feel one. Nothing too major obviously.

Earlier in the week we thought we had a bit of a family scandal. My mum wanted to check our bank accounts here, cos our dodgy cousin here (Haresh) has access to the accounts, he deposits our rent money in it and withdraws money in case repairs are needed on our house here that we rent out to ppl. And my mum don’t trust him one bit. He, and his mum, have a history of thieving, often from their own relatives. On checking the accounts, we noticed 300’000 rupees (~3600 pounds) was taken out in total over the last year. And a few months ago 200’000 was put back in. And we weren’t told of all of this so we suspected he took it out and when he heard we were coming to India, tried to pay some back. So for a day my mum was screwing thinking “I knew it, I knew it”. But we spoke to our uncle in the UK and he said its all ok and it was for some major roof repairs they did on our house. We were still not sure about the money that was put back in, but Haresh explained it was cos they took extra out to cover repairs on other houses too which they then paid for back into our account or something like that.

My mum wants to restrict access to our accounts cos she cant keep track of all these withdrawals in different accounts. Esp as some of ppl able to access it are thieves. But she was told by my uncle n my dad in the UK not to restrict it. She was so pissed off about that, and told me to just spend spend spend if I wanted. “Rather we spend it than them spend our money”. Never heard my mum say that ever about money before. She’s famous for being a scrooge. But here she is saying spend as much as I want of the money we have in our India accounts! It’s a shame I’m not a huge fan of gold or id get a whole load of jewellery! I dunno what else I can buy! I’ve already done my biggest purchase in laser eye surgery. Cant get any big stuff cos of limited space in suitcase. I’m gonna see if I can get some computer components if they’re cheaper here.

Less than 2 weeks left here in the village, then a final week in Ahmedabad to do some final shopping. Insect season and the peak of the monsoon is approaching so it’s a good time to leave. The weather is horrid in Mumbai with ppl dying in the floods. And also the recent train bombings! Luckily our flight is from Ahmedabad, where there is also heavy rain but not as bad as Mumbai. Cant wait!

Btw, not surprisingly, Word didn’t recognize the word “Ahmedabad”. And it had suggestions… so I right-clicked it out of curiosity to see what alternatives it suggests… it had the one suggestion… “HEADBAND” heh.

Boring

2006-07-02T20:00:00.001Z

Well I never made it to that Naturotherapy health place in mandvi. Cos it was shit! All the ppl we told about it, they said i'm gonna love it and how luxurious it is and how they been there and they loved it. I was getting excited! But we visited it, and its so bare! And cos its summer, insects everywhere!! One telly for the whole place cos tv’s go against their principle of going back to nature. Its in the middle of nowhere so u cant go out unless u enjoy walking on empty land apart from plant life and trees, which Indians here probably enjoy. But to me, I don’t see the beauty in the land, I see land full of huge scary looking insects.

There's not so many here in the village, apparently cos its actually too hot for them to come out seeing as its regularly 38-40 C. but there's loads in that place cos of the vegetation n plant life there. We also spoke to some ppl and they also said its not the right treatment for my condition. They’d shove me on some minimal diet for a month or two, i'm already well underweight! I dunno what there is to do in that place, ppl were just sitting around do F-all and enjoying it. Indians are able to do that. Us city ppl need things to do! When I look outside window of my room here, I see ppl sitting outside doing absolutely nothing for a whole day. Sitting in silence for most of it, just staring at ppl. HOW DO THEY DO IT DAY AFTER DAY. At first I didn’t mind it for a few days, a chance to chill out, but after a week or so its just mind numbing.

We’ve had some mad rain here on the odd occasion too. For an hour or two each time. Really heavy rain, and they have no guttering on the roads so the roads literally become rivers with water about half a foot high. Motorbikes can't drive through it, but other vehicles still do very slowly.

This is after the rain had stopped. It was higher than this before. Those scooters engines turned off cos the engine must have got wet. Stranded! They had to move their scooters along Flinstones style.

I thought the village would have moved on since i last came here 8 years ago, and i was told that it has but we still get regular power cuts. Mostly due to rain. So damn annoying especially in this heat & humidity, as you need the ceiling fans on 24/7 or the AC on coupla hours a day. And whenever it rains they cut the power to the village. How wrong is that. Few days back they had some work planned in the power station or something, and they cut the power from 9am-7pm! And today it rained for about 2 hours yet they left the power off for about 4 hours after!! The reason they cut it is for safety apparently cos a lot of the cheap houses in this village are an electrical hazard when it rains.

I took some pics of the crazy rain and the road which looked like a river during the rain which I’ll put up here when I get back to London which is gonna be sooner than planned woo hoo! We’re looking to come back on the 6th of Aug. 4 more weeks at this village while I try some homeopathic treatment then back to Ahmedabad (its nice there!) for the final week.

Cos my diet is so restricted, and the variety of food in this village is so small, I'm eating the same two or three curries everyday, getting so bored of it. My mum cooks my food now cos she decided my aunts are far too dirty with their hygiene. The amount of times we’ve found insects in the food is disgusting. I'm sure i've eaten insect body parts many times. The occasional mouse in the kitchen. Flies sitting on clean cutlery. But I just gotta ignore it or I'm not gonna like the food at all.

We went to some friends house to eat, and cos it was so hot, sweat was dripping of their face into the food while they were cooking. They were also wiping the sweat off their face with their hands and carrying on cooking with those same hands. Tasty! But what can ya do. U cant starve. Its not unhygienic for them and any suggestion that it is would probably baffle them.

We went to eat in the nearest city, Bhuj, 10 miles away, in a nice hotel restaurant called the Prince Hotel. Was impressive by Bhuj’s standards. But while we were eating, I saw a mouse run across the floor. And no-one did anything! Mice in the restaurant of one of the top hotels in the city.

Our 8 hour journey from Ahmedabad to here was supposed to have been luxurious. We were told it was in a sleeping coach with beds and AC. What we got was little bench type things in the coach with filthy cloth on it that a thousand Indians have probably sweated on after its last wash, and NO AC! Windows open all the way. If you wipe your face on something white after a open window journey in India, the white cloth/tissue turns brown.

A funny moment was when the coach stopped at a gas station for half hour, for ppl to go loo or get some food etc. This other lady went and came back and my mum asked her if the loo’s are decent, and she replied they're good. So mum decides to go…. when she comes back her face was a sight! She looked like she wanted to puke!! She said it was absolutely disgusting!!!!! And smelt soooo bad that she was heaving in there. And she says out loud what the lady said about them being good, taking the mick, which im sure the lady heard, hahaha I was cracking up. And then she goes gimme some water quick I need to rinse my mouth out cos the smell is stuck in her mouth HAHAH her face still had that puking look. I was in hysterics. She gargled some water and spat it out the window cos she could smell the toilets!!

After that she couldn’t stop moaning about everything, especially how much the cloth on her “bed” smelt.

They set up the internet for me here but its dial up so I cant use it much in the daytime cos of incoming phone calls. Its not much fun anyway surfing at 56k speed when the net is now designed to run on broadband, insanely slow. Msn messenger isn't even working and wont even reinstall so im using E-messenger and it takes like 2 mins to sign in.

My mum said to me a few hours ago she's planning a trip to this place where a famous temple is where u get blessed or something, and i have to go etc, cos its god related. I was like *sigh*. I asked how long the trip is and they said 5 hours each way, i was like WTF FORGET THAT! What if i need to shit on the way?? (cos of my condition i shit 4-5 times a day) And my cousin (Haresh) here says, with a smile, "you'll have to do it on the side of the road". haha, never in a million years. Id rather shit in my hand and throw it out the window. I told mum there's no way I'm going, so they cancelled it now. 5 hour road trip in crazy heat, do a prayer, get a blessing or whatever for a bit then another 5 hour trip back again. Crazy! Flippin religious fanatics! Its always the women that are a bit fanatical. The blokes didn't seem that bothered about the trip, only the women wanted to go.

Monkey gangs

2006-06-21T21:47:00.000Z

It's wednesday afternoon, mucchhh cooler than the past week as the sun isn't out today so probably only around 30 C and not as humid. Last night here in the city then tmr evening we head off back to the village for a night or 2 en-route to that health place. it's a night coach where they have beds apparently.

I hope it keeps me busy for the next 2 months. I was looking at the website for the place and one part stood out:

Urine Therapy – Rich in valuable minerals and other useful elements, urine can be a powerful treatment. Whether used topically or taken internally, urine's anti-bacterial properties effectively fight skin disorders and improve impaired vision.

We all need a bit of piss therapy sometimes. Some of the more thoughtful are kind enough to give it to their partners.

Lets talk about Pound Shops. I was surprised to hear they have a One Rupee store here. WTF! 1 rupee is around 1 pence. A store where all items are 1 pence???? I want to see this place. What do they sell??? Fucking dust?

Lets talking about cyclists. Its funny how all the car drivers haaateee motorcyclists/bicyclists. They never move out of the way for them! If ones coming they don't mind heading straight for them! As if they're not even there. Traffic is so tight here in the city of Ahmedabad. At the traffic lights, its like the start of a race. they fill every single little gap. bikes and rickshaws 3 inches away from your either side of the car. No wonder they all fold their wing mirrors in and don't use them. And above their traffic lights there's a countdown timer of when its going to change. And they always start moving with 3 or 4 seconds left. Nutters.

Lets talk about monkey gangs. On the way to somewhere, we saw a wall near our house with like 10 monkeys sitting there. And aunt was telling us how they rob ppl sometimes! they get into groups of like 10 or 15 monkeys, and as your walking home from shopping or something, if your food is on display, they'll mugs ya! Snatch it off you and leg it. Funnyyyyyyy.

She told us how one time they found a monkey in their living room sitting there eating a banana!! That must have been hilarious. They get scared easily tho and leg it, grabbing whatever food they can on their way out, be it a potato or whatever. They're quite big tho. So i can see why some ppl are scared of them.

Laser eye surgery, I've done it! They have a telly in the reception area showing the procedure being done live. A bit scary! I wouldn't be surprised if ppl have just cancelled while they're waiting!

First they clamp ur head and eye to keep it still. The clamping is really tight and hurt a bit. They use a scalpel or something to cut open the upper layer of the cornea, and leave one bit so it opens like a flap, then wipe what's under it with this little wiping thing, then the laser is used on it for 5 or 10 seconds. U can still see with your upper cornea open, but blurry. The laser seems to dot away randomly to kind of cut away a thin layer of the inner cornea or whatever to correct your sight.

Then they close the flap and give u a painkiller to eat cos pain starts soon after. Its like a bad eye ache. A headache behind your eyes for an hour or 2 and then its gone. then u just gotta keep your eyes shut as much as possible for the next 24-48 hours. Sight is very blurry at this stage and gets clearer over the next 2 days til its pretty much clear. Eyes get dry very easily tho so they give u drops for a few months. And now i can see perfectly! Total cost 32'000R = 375 quid.

Went to the movies yesterday with my cousin and his mate to watch Da Vinci Code. Not very comfortable. The movie screen is so high up you get neck strain.

That is all for today. Good day.

Exam results

2006-06-17T04:16:00.000Z

Oh yes! I got them. My cousin checked for me back in the UK and texted me them. I'm very pleased. i thought i did quite well, but i did even better. I've surprised myself cos i was a bit low on iron during the last 2 weeks of revision and kept taking a few naps per day and only really got going in revision on the day before the exam. But luckily i attended nearly all lectures and so it was just a case of recapping everything.

I got the best mark on the exam i thought did the worst in, and the worst mark on the paper i thought i probably did the best in. Very strange.

4 exams, 65%, 70%, 79%, 83% ! Taking coursework into account, the 2nd year has finished at 72%, i'm on course for a 1st ! Woooooop. Altho this year was only worth 25% of degree. Final year is worth a huge 75%. So i still need 70% in the final year to get the 1st.

The loo's, the servants and the rules of driving

2006-06-17T00:23:00.000Z

The driving is fascinating here. There are now far more scooters on the roads here than cars. Ahmedabad is quite crazy, very very busy roads. and the rules, as most of u may know are quite strange.

Constant horning is a must. You don't horn to let them know they did something wrong, but horn to let someone know your near them. Cos they don't really use their mirrors here but rather the sound of horns around them. On the back of lorries there's signs saying "PLEASE HORN OK".

When there are 2 lanes, traffic for both directions, both lanes are often used by the cars going in each direction, one for each direction. But the other direction lane is also used for overtaking, which is very often. So you see traffic going both ways on both lanes! It's quite scary when you overtake cos you often see cars heading straight for you, at 60mph, but there seems to be a trust between the drivers so they don't even slow down! They trust you'll finish the overtaking in time so they don't bother slowing down.

But the amount of crashed or overturned lorries we saw was scary! During that 7 hour journey both ways, I counted around 6 crashed/overturned lorries/coaches/cars. Some in a very bad state. In the middle of nowhere, an ambulance wont come to your rescue. If ur badly injured, You're a goner.

Another thing i noticed, if a driver gets pissed off with another driver, they sometimes shout out to them and call them Bhai (brother) "Are bhaaaiii suu karo choooo!!!".

We hear this term a lot in the UK with the rudeboys, "bro/bruv". Now u know. They're not trying to be black, they're going back to their roots! The earliest forms of rudeboy-ism started here in India.

Lets talk about toilets. they have these wonderful little fountains in the toilets now that wash your arse. After you done your business, you stay sat, and open this tap and it sprays water along your bum crack, and you kinda adjust your arse around so it hits the right spot and let the water run for 10, 20, 30 secs whatever. You do need tissue tho sometimes, as water alone isn't perfect at removing the shite completely. And obviously to dry your ass. You don't wanna walk out of the loo with a huge wet patch across your backside. I want these fountain toilets in my house back home!

Lets talk about servants. They have one here in Ahmedabad. A young man. Amazing cook. Speaks Hindi tho so i dunno how to communicate with him if i want something apart from Gujarati to him, hoping he understood the gist of what i said, and then i get Hindi back from him and i try to understand the gist of what he said.

Feel a bit sorry for him tho. Cos he's married and recently had a first daughter born, but he has to live here 24/7. The rellies are away for 2 nights tho at the moment so he can go visit his wife and new baby for like half the day today and tmr. But otherwise i think he only gets like an hour or so everyday then back here. Tis life tho, tis life.

Lets talk about FOOOOTBAAAALLLL. I'm well pleased to have seen yesterdays match too. was a good match. apart from our awful awful finishing i thought we played okay. made lots and lots of chances which is the important thing. and Rooney's back!

ROOOOOOOOONEH

ROOOOOOOOONEH

Not sure if I'll be able to see the final group game on tuesday, cos its showing at 12:30am here. Everyone hits the bed at 11pm in this house, on the dot, but I'll ask uncle to see if its okay to be up til 2:15am. He's a bit intimidating tho. A very charming, persuasive, assertive, confident businessman.

6:30pm here now. Gonna watch another game as me and mum are home alone, Argentina vs Serbia Montenegro.

Perfect vision coming up!

2006-06-16T23:39:00.000Z

We made some enquiries about laser eye surgery yesterday and decided to go with a recommendation someone in UK gave me (cheers shorty!). They rang them up and told em the usual lines "WE'RE LONDONERS! WE'RE ONLY HERE A FEW FUCKING DAYS BASTARDS SO GIVE US AN APPT RIGHT AWAY! FRONT OF THE QUEUE! WE'RE FUCKING LONDONERRRSSSS!!!" etc (i added the swearing for fun).

My rellies seem to use that kind of line a lot. I bought some suits last week and the date they said to pick it up, straight away my aunts like, "they're fucking Londoners bastards, they're off in a few days, stop being so cuntish and get it done on this day!" (again, added swearing for fun). And they're like "yes sir yes sir three bags full sir".

Anyway, where was i... the laser eye surgery, they gave us check up the next day which is today, and rellies are away for a few days so they got a friend to take us there and they did all these tests n shit. Really nice place, clean, AC, spotless. Then they put eye drops in my eyes and it started to sting.

I notice one thing in India, they never warn you of what's going to happen. I told em its burning and they said its normal. In the UK they would have told you exactly what they're gonna do and what's gonna happen "i'm now going to put some eye-drops in your eyes and it will sting a little for a minute" etc. Not here! What they do is just say "DROPS :|" in the Indian accent and shove it in half a second later. And i met the surgeon after, he said he studied in Leicester in the 70's. They'll do the surgery tmr, so quick! I guess its cos "we're fucking londonerrrssss bastarrrrdsssssss!"

Very good prices too. they have 2 methods, something called PRK method which they also called the classic method, costing 22'000R = 260 pounds. or the newer wavefront or waveform, cant remember which one they said, at 32'000R, 375 quid. this is the better method so i went for that as its still a bargain compared to the UK.

After that im off to Maandvi to one of those ayurvedic and other alternative therapy centres where u live there for a few months to see if they can sort out my ulcerative colitis.

We chatted to a few medical doctors first to hear their opinion but they're very quick to suggest surgery here. We saw a Dr Thakkar first, and he said he'd need to do an endoscopy (camera up da bummay) in a few days. Nice. But i asked him if i can be put to sleep for it and he said yeah so that's cool. It's best to be knocked out when you get a 3 foot long, inch thick tube shoved up your arse. I've had it twice before in the UK and was knocked out for them too.

So they told me to go next door, not telling me why. And some dark little Indian man in the room mutters something like "chaddi utarinaak" and some other stuff i didn't understand. Which is pretty much "drop your pants". And im like "okaayyyy". So i drop em and ask him to speak English cos the guji around here is really strong i cant understand it properly, its like a different dialect so he says to lie down on this bed which i fucking hope they cleaned cos this place didn't look too clean.

Then the doc comes and shoves SOMETHING up my arse without warning. Maybe his fucking finger. WHY DON'T THEY FUCKIN WARN US. Then i went back into the main room and he prescribed some antacids cos he said my arse is acidic. And told us to take a preparation drink type thing on the morning of the endoscopy to clear out my bowels. BYE TOSSER.

On the day, i start taking it, 2 litres over 2 hours. Quite a lot and it makes u shit out the same stuff. I went around 9 times in total over 3 hours. My arse was really burning i don't know why. I guess the acidity. I couldn't even sit down at the end of it so i decided to take a painkiller, co-proxamol, one hell of a strong painkiller :) makes u feel a bit high too :) and i could then sit :)

Endoscopy time and "chaddi uttarnaakyu" time again (drop pants). and the dude in the room takes my clothes from me and chucks em on the fucking floor!!

I made sure they were gonna put me to sleep which they said yes to. injected me with the anaesthetic, and i felt a sliiight drowsyness a few seconds later... and i was just waiting to knock out. about a minute passed and i was still awake and they started the endoscopy, shoving that 3 foot thing up the bummay. AND IT FUCKING HURT!!!!! I HADN'T FALLEN ASLEEP! Nowhere near it. Just a slight drowsiness thats all! And even that was gone after i felt the pain. And they put a telly near my face. In case i wanna watch, to keep your mind off the pain i guess. *queue some loud groans*

At the end of it, i asked him why i didn't fall asleep and the fucker muttered something about wrong dose or needing higher dose or some shit. COMMUNICATE YOU BASTARD.

We saw the doc after and he said my bowels are very very bad and strongly suggested surgery (removing the whole bowel/large intestine) in the UK as its a long process and hence would take too long in India. I was surprised, because with this condition you know the state of your bowels by how often you shit and the state of it. And it was pretty good at the moment. He asked if i wanted steroids but cos things weren't that bad i declined. I felt it was a slight overreaction cos my symptoms weren't too bad.

Anyway, back home i eat etc, have a nap. and my first shit i have the runs. Next shit, worse runs. Next day, all day bad runs, 7 times! 3 days of runs. i didn't know why! This has never happened with previous endoscopy's. i start to think and realise the difference with this one is this preparation that i drank. Didn't do that in the UK endoscopy's and i reckon it actually temporarily inflamed my bowels just before the endoscopy and what the doc saw was this inflamed bowel which isn't normally how it is, hence his suggestion of surgery. My bowels certainly were as bad as he said now! so i went on steroids for a few days to sort that out. So i'm gonna ignore the calls for surgery for now and get UK docs opinion when i'm back cos i reckon that fucking drink messed me up and hence they didn't get a proper endoscopy. But i couldn't be arsed with contacting them again. I came for alternative stuff really but just thought id get medical docs opinion as well. They let me keep the endoscopy video too :)

So next week we're off to Maandvi for alternative treatment! Should be good. Own room, en-suite, telly, AC. I'll be able to watch the rest of the world cup!

NOT a pleasant week

2006-06-16T00:14:00.000Z

Well its not been the most pleasant week. Its been 9 days since i arrived at our city relatives place, which is a really nice place. Spotless, not a machar in sight. My mum needed to go back to to the village to withdraw money from her bank in India cos we have a lot building up here from renting our house. And apparently you cant transfer money around India like in the UK (we later found out that we can). So we headed off on the 7 hour, 250 MILE car journey at 5am, with one of our drivers after about 2 days here in the city.

It was interesting at first, driving through town after town, village after village, and all the emptiness in between, which is now slowly being filled by factories in the middle of nowhere! When i was last here 8 years ago, you'd find nothing in between towns apart from a few animals or ppl walking. But cos of the recent boom in industry in India, these factories are popping up in these places cos its so cheap to run here.

So yeah the ride was interesting... til i needed a fucking shite! And for a person with my condition, ulcerative colitis, when u need to shite U NEED TO SHITE. It was around 9am, around halfway thru our journey and we stopped at a cafe in the middle of nowhere and so the driver and some other random dude who was in the car can get refreshments. me and mum wouldn't eat from these places in case we get ill from the food. these Indians, their bodies are used to eating dodgy food, where a hundred flies have sat on it before u get to eat it, and probably shat on it with their tiny fly-poo.

Anyway i needed to poo, and i strained with all my might to hold it in til the next stop, cos the driver said he'd take us to a hotel loo nearby which are nice, apparently. it is not a nice feeling holding poo cos u end up feeling so hot when your straining. anyway, i managed to not skid my pants and we arrived at "A1 Plaza" in the the middle of nowhere. Fuck knows who uses hotels in the middle of nowhere. Looked half decent too hygiene-wise. Walked in with my loo roll that i take with me everywhere, and asked them where the fuck the loo was and he said its 5 rupees to use it lol. So our driver paid for it cos i didn't have any cash on me, and he went to one of the cubicles and took the padlock off. I went in and just literally burst :) it was quite something :) i hope that 5 rupees covers the cleaning bill mehehe.

Anyway, we then continued on our journey and arrived at one our close relatives place, in the village of Madhapar, near Bhuj. Nice little close-knit village and aunt cooked for us. She's very old tho and sight isn't the greatest, and there were loads of red ants all over the dining table eww. i instantly lifted my legs up off the floor in case there's any there trying to crawl up my legs. UK blood is a delicacy for Indian red ants. Food was nice tho. As nice as it can be when you're worrying there may be red ants in the food too.

Then a few hours later we moved on to our main place, in the village of Kera where our closest India relatives live. Stayed there for 2 nights, while mum withdrew her money etc. Had to eat out at various relatives and friends places in the village cos they love Londoners and kept insisting we eat there cos they know my mum very well. but boy they are not clean. You cant even find soap to wash your hands with. just water. and you see them wipe the sweat off their faces with their hands and carry on cooking the roti. But you just gotta try and ignore that.

The last evening there was the day of the first England match and i was able to watch it! I WAS SO HAPPY! i was happily watching it, but around 30 mins into a huge fucking sign comes across the screen "payments overdue on this account". WTF. All i could see was a small border around the edge of the screen. So it was pretty much just commentary. But it was alright, as it was still live! Tonight another match is on and i'll be able to watch that too, i'm so glad. I really love the world cup.

Man i cant even be bothered with this entry now, I'm getting too hot just sitting here for this long. Feels like 30 degrees indoors, even tho the fans on and i don't like taking the piss with the AC all the time cos they hardly ever use it themselves. and mum moans so much too cos she don't wanna seem like we're rinsing the electricity bill, so I'll continue this with another entry tmr, or maybe later today...... including my awful endoscopy experience (camera up the bum)

NOT a pleasant journey

2006-06-07T19:02:00.000Z

Here i am in india at rellies house on the internet for the first time. WHAT a bastard journey. An hour before departure (sunday 5:25pm) we hear a quiet message on the tannoy "will all passengers for flight AI120 go to the transfer desk". That's all. They don't say where this desk is or even translate the message to Hindi so that everyone else could understand it seeing as the flight was 90% freshies.

So i get to the desk and they tell us the flight has been cancelled cos of a dodgy wing or fan or something, and they are gonna put us up in a hotel for the night. It took about an hour and a half before the rest of the passengers arrived to this desk and boy did they shout and complain India style!! one dude was shouting at the desk person so much, telling him off! I thought he was going to take his chappal off at one point! He just kept shouting so they had to call police to calm him and everyone else down.

There were so many rumours flying about started by the paranoid passengers. Here's a selection:
- They've actually cancelled the flight cos there were only enough passengers to fill half the plane so they didn't wanna make a financial loss on the flight.
- They're now gonna put us all in a big hall to sleep on the floor overnight.

The next flight for us was set at 6pm the following day.

Then they had us waiting bout another hour and a half for a coach to take us to the hotel. I was knackered from all the standing with the hand luggage. And when the first coach finally arrived, it was pure havoc. Ppl were pushing and shoving like free money was being given out. This was a taste of India right here in Heathrow airport.

Felt great to get to the hotel. Luckily my mums experienced in pushing and shoving and did it right back haha, and got us near the front of the queue to check in. THANK GOD. Cos it was one HUGE queue which took about an hour and a half to finish. The hotel free food was pretty nice.

The next day at around 3pm, an airport dude comes to the hotel to give us an update and says the planes not certain to leave tonight either. Ppl went nutttsss again and surrounded him. Rumours again flew around "we have to pay for this 2nd night at the hotel now". Bloody freshies.

He came back an hour later tho to confirm it will take off tonight. Couldn't hear the time tho cos everyone was still surrounding him like ants. The coaches arrived soon after, and everyone again pushed and shoved like animals. We get to the airport at 6pm and on the screen it said it departs at 6pm. But they waited til everyone was on board and departed at 7:30pm. And the plane was more than half empty. Everyone had a row to them self. I had 3 seats to lie down straight and have a nice sleep. My mum went a row behind to do the same.

Such beautiful monsters

What a view

Err you can probably guess where we are now

Arrive at Ahmedabad airport at 7am. A tinnnyyy airport! They had a "DUTY FREE" sign in front of the only two little shops ahaha.

We're off to Bhuj later to my dads side relatives. 5 hour car journey. I hate long car journeys. Then we train it back on the weekend. I'm gonna FRIKKIN MISS THE ENGLAND GAME cos we'll be on the train at the time of it i think. A late evening train on saturday.

That'll do for now. Can't be arsed any more. Just wanna sleep all day. It's quite boring here. There's only my maami and maama, and my mum and me. Oh and the servant.

All photos from India

Off to India in 48 hours

2006-06-03T02:37:00.000Z

In 48 hours i will be on the Air India flight going to Ahmedabad! I love plane rides. I prefer the non-8 hour ones though. I hope i get a window seat.

HENCEFORTH this shall be my blog where all my fans will read what i write. Hopefully laugh loud, to the extent they spit out some saliva, and then post about it and boost my ego. You don't have to sign up or anything to post reply comments btw.

48 hours left... but i am yet to pack. The suitcase arrived in my room a few hours ago with a few pre-packed items. Some strange boxes that my mum put in there. Probably a package we are taking for someone else... As Indians often do. Funny how we never see what's inside. We always get told something like "yeah its just some aanthru/gaatia/chevro. Pass it onto my Maavji Kaka".

WHAT. 14 KG'S OF IT?? I'm sure on the odd occasion we have unknowingly delivered some illegal class-A drugs or some type of weapon of mass destruction to an international criminal in Gujarati disguise with the code-name Maavji Kaka.

Anyway, i shall now eat and then COMMENCE THE PACKING. Flippin shove everything in there I will. Yeah baby.

NOTE: Remember, non-members can post reply comments.

What Rishi does with computer mice

2006-06-02T01:01:00.000Z

My nephew, Rishi, comes into my room and saw the 2 old mice i had on the floor that i no longer use.

What does he do with them?

Hello? Hello? Anyone there?

Met a Gypsy today

2006-05-06T22:11:00.000Z

First time i experienced one. Evil looking bitch she was.

She comes outta nowhere and hangs a lollipop at the top of my top, like how you hang sunglases at top of your top. She then HUGS ME lightly, and starts wafffling on about children charity and poor children and whether i would like to donate. All with this huge evil witch smile.

So i asked her for some ID of what charity she's with and she just waffles on more about poor children with that evil fucking smile.

And i told her i don't donate to people without any ID, she snatched the lollipop back and walked away!

Evil witch bitch (I checked my pockets after in case she nicked anything while hugging me with her witch arms)

I should have shoved some chevro down her top and told her i'm collecting for poor Gujarati children. See how she likes it.

If you don't keep an eye on Rishi

2006-04-06T18:39:00.000Z

This is what happens if we leave him upstairs and don't keep an eye on what he's up to.

First, he grabs clothes from nearby bedrooms and chucks them down the stairs.

Then he'll throw the bin lid down the stairs. And also attempt to throw the whole bin (empty bin).

The result.

The funeral

2005-05-16T11:04:00.000Z

Wow. That body part beforehand is just insane. I cant remember much of the last funeral i went to cos of medication i was on causing memory loss. They brought the coffin in, opened it and u can smell the body. Not nice.

Then each person feeds her some blessed water and then sticks some rice on her forehead with that red stuff. A lot of ppl came and so this part took around 45 mins. It felt like hours. Its very strange and very disturbing to her loved ones. I was fine cos i wasn't close to her and i'm able to do things without thinking so i just did that. But some ppl who were close to her looked so damn shaken. Her 2 daughters (incl my mum) sobbed uncontrollably when it was their turn. It was just WAAAYYYY too much for them to handle. I thought my mum was gonna faint or something. But again i just tried not to think about it as it would have got me started. Her crying was back to normal levels about 5 mins later.

The other daughter wasn't even allowed to be in the room cos she's not very good with stuff like this at all. I wonder if its worth doing all this stuff when it causes so much distress. Having the body open is one thing, but having to actually touch the body is just too much.

One dumbass woman got her little daughter to do feeding and rice thing. She must have been about 7 or 8 yrs old. WTF. WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOME PPL.

Yesterday my aunt was saying how none of the women should go to the funeral at all. At the time i was thinking WTF. But i see now why. It can be very distressing for the closer ones. There's no way I'm having that kind of ritual with my parents. Luckily my siblings are less religious than me.

And then there's the weird practises afterwords. Like not allowed to touch any food or clothes before having a shower. And you have to leave the clothes you're wearing to soak in water. We were told to put our clothes & towel in the bathroom before we left for the funeral cos once you come back you cant go touching anything. Cant even touch your towel.

And 95% of ppl don't even know why we do these things. I still don't. I'm just assuming its to stop the spread of disease from the body which would obviously be applicable back when they started these practices, but not really now. But practises like these are never updated with the times. Even if disease was completely wiped out in a hundred years, i reckon this practise would still go on.

At the moment this stuff has to be done cos its for the older lot who believe in this kind of stuff but i wonder what I'll do when I'm older and have my own family. Can i make my own rules?

Nan dies

2005-05-15T04:57:00.000Z

Nan (mum's mum) died a few days ago aged 82 yrs old. I wasn't very close to her tho so i wasn't directly affected too much. She'd been ill for about a month. Her diabetes really flared up and i was wondering if her 2 daughters who live with her were able to feed her sensibly. They're not very capable or knowledgeable like that. But they've been doing it for years so i'm sure it just flared up for some other reason.

In hospital, apparently there was some insanely impossible high sugar count in her blood... cant remember now... something like 70 or something. I think that damaged a few of her organs cos she never did recover from that and developed loads of problems like kidney failure, weak heart, hypo-tension, a bad stroke while she was unconscious (which left her paralysed on one side) and an infection on her foot that led to gangrene.

She had surgery to cut off a few toes but she never really recovered from the surgery and remained only half conscious after it til she died about a week later.

The doctor called us in a room one day to say she wasn't going to recover and that should anything happen like a heart attack or her breathing stopping, he wanted our input on what should be done in case it was a borderline decision. Basically asking us if they should resuscitate her or let her die. I was quite surprised they let us decide things like that. The family decided to let her die as it would just delay the inevitable and cause suffering.

A few days later they decide to stop some of her medications and to let her die. I think she was expected to pass away that night or the next day or something but she managed to hang in there for about a week, each day becoming slightly more conscious. She'd be able to open her eyes one day... a day or 2 later she was managing to respond to us with yes or no's.... a further day or 2 she was pulling sentences together... til she finally passed away one early morning.

When we visited her, relatives close to her were sad, obviously. But ppl who weren't close to her were sad too. My brother who see's her about 3 times a year (and even that's when they have to see each other during Diwali or something) cried on seeing her. Maybe seeing other ppl cry made him cry. Although unlikely as he's tough as nuts. He probably felt sorry for her lying there, possibly suffering. I was kind of pleased for her, that she's finished this life and is onto whatever comes next.

One thing annoyed me. One of my uncles (from dad's side) went to see her and then calls my mum up saying she's not looking good and it looks like "her souls stuck in her body cos she has things she wants to say or worries about the ppl she'll leave behind". So him and his wife suggested we make sure we tell nan everything's gonna be okay here when your gone. And to do prayers so she passes away peacefully. We held a prayers thingy that night and nan passed away the next day. Eery! But it annoyed me that he just stated it as kind of fact. How is he supposed to know what's going on. He hardly knows her himself.

We're Hindu Gujarati's so we hold 10 days of prayers for 1 hour after the death. It's a strange feeling sitting there for 1 hour in the middle of people singing songs i don't even understand (religious Sanskrit songs). I'm not even a religious Hindu. I pray in my own way, not to a temple or to pictures of gods such as Ram or Krishna. I wonder what some of my relatives think of my non-religiousness. Whether they think i don't even believe in god at all. Or if they look down on me.

Today at the temple, one of my cousins was explaining to me how to do the praying procedure when you go into a temple in case i did it wrong. And it felt so odd doing it as it doesn't mean anything to me.

Tomorrow is the funeral. I've only been to one before, my aunts about 5 years ago. That shocked me a bit as i was young then. They bring the body to the home where the person lived. And everyone was queuing up to do something, i never asked what, and just went in when it was my turn and my aunts body was just lying there in the coffin type thing. I didn't expect to see a dead body there in front of me when i walked in!!!! And you had to throw something on her, cant remember what. Some blessed flowers or something. This part causes a lot of crying. Probably designed to help grieving. Then they take the body to the cemetery and have it cremated.

FIRST POST!

2005-04-13T11:09:00.000Z

Hmmmmm not sure what i'll use this for yet. Probably not serious posts. But an outlet for happy and funny stuff for me to read over in the future. I don't like to write about negative shit. I do that enough as it is during the day in my head. And I'll try not to turn this into a place to rant about my health issues.